March 9, 1992 (age 14)

Hello my Carnation, Today was quite uneventful. I really don’t believe Curt and I spoke except to say “hi” and “hello.” Cool, huh?  We are real conversationalists, now aren’t we?

He has the cutest legs. Leslie and I did these chart things of who, of guys, has the cutest butts, legs, and the nicest chests. I really don’t care about any of that stuff, but I do like Curt’s legs. They’re so cute!

I think I’m going insane because Curt’s face is breaking out and I think he looks cute with zits. (Now you understand what I mean about going insane, huh?)  I know it isn’t possible for me to love him or anything, but I definitely have a major crush on him!  He is so weird and everyday I find myself liking him more.  He “makes me feel kind of funny.”  (Quote from Wayne’s World.)

I wish he wasn’t so shy. If he is going to ask me out, what exactly is he waiting for? He must know that I like him.  I don’t see how he could not know.  We keep writing corny notes to each other on my desktop.

Maybe I am falling in love.  What do you think? You stupid book!  Why don’t you ever tell me your opinion? Duh.  Just kidding!  I love you! (and maybe Curt too).

Love,

March 8, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Hello, today was my Aunt Tracy's baby shower.

I am so mad. Tomorrow we have a biology quiz and I don't want one! I am so sick of biology class, I could just scream!!

Tuesday actually should prove to be interesting, though. We are going to be dissecting frogs from Tuesday through Thursday. We will have to be put into groups of three. The only thing I know about who will be in my group is, well, nothing. I know three people who most likely will not be in my group: Liz, Tara, and Lacey. Mr. M says that all the best friends will probably just fool around. I don't think so. I mean, we'll have fun, but we will do the work.

Now I am going to talk about the love and the light of my life--who else? Curt. I am trying to figure out why exactly I like him. Sometimes I think maybe the only reason I started liking him is because he liked me first. Is that wrong?

I think he is funny, interesting, sweet, cute, and mysterious. I can't think of any other words to describe him--well, he's also alot like me the way he acts around the adults. I don't know exactly how to describe it, and I don't think I even want to. I don't think Mr. M trusts us after that day he "caught" us talking on the steps. Oh that made me so mad!

I guess I haven't told you about this yet. It was probably a week or two ago and during study hall, me and Liz were sitting on the steps to do our homework. We were considering going over to the fire escape so we asked Curt (who happened to be walking by at that time) if he wanted to ditch his work study and come with us. In the middle of the conversation, Mr. M came over. I don't know if he heard our wicked plans but he sent Curt away and then followed him around. Then he went back to the classroom and said, "Now I know why they like to study on the steps. They like to study Curt!"

I was so mad. I just couldn't believe he would say that. It was so rude. I told Curt how mad I was. I don't know what he thought, but I don't think he'll be talking to me on the steps anymore! It's his choice. If he doesn't mind getting in trouble, then I don't either. I guess we're just lucky that Liz was there.

I probably should go. I hope you enjoyed this informative letter that was mostly about Curt. He's such a cutie!

Love,

March 6, 1992 (age 14)

Hello Carnation, Today is Friday so tomorrow I'll be going to church. This day, however, was pretty uneventful. Curt never really talked to me.  We do sit in the same assigned desk in Mr. M's classroom, so he wrote "Hi Mindi" on it so that I'd see it later in the day.   It was quite personal, as you can see.

He is so weird, so cute, and so annoying. I am getting impatient for him to ask me to the banquet. I hope he does, and if so, I hope he hurries up.

People say Mr. M teases him about me sometimes.

It seems like Curt isn't going to make the first move. I wish he would, but he's just so shy! The thing is, I don't want to ask him to the banquet.  It seems more, I don't know, special if he were to ask me. Do you understand?  Besides, he must not want to go with me too bad if he won't even ask me himself.

I have such low self-confidence sometimes that I still wonder if this is all a game.  Like, him and everyone just want me to get my hopes up. I know I shouldn't think like that, but sometimes I do.

By the way, I found out that his middle name is "Becker." I don't know what the hell kind of name that is, but oh well.  When he first told me, I thought he said - well, I'm sure you can imagine what I thought he said. So I thought he was making a joke.  I said, "What's your middle name?"

So he repeated himself. When I realized that he was serious, I felt stupid.  Oh well.

He is so strange. Today he was breaking crayons and throwing them at little children in the hall. By the way, my new word is "odd." I use it all the time. So he really is "odd." HA-HA.

Another by the way, I guess you could say I'm kindof over Christian Slater for now. I still think he's an awesome actor, but I don't have a crush on him anymore. (Not I have more of the real thing, if you want to call it that.)  If I get mad at Curt, I decided that I'll need someone to fall back on, so I'm keeping all my Christian Slater magazine articles and pictures.

Oh!  I just wish Curt was more open. If we ever do have conversations, just the two of us, I'm usually the one who has to think of stuff to talk about. Otherwise we'd probably end up sitting there in an uncomfortable silence, neither one speaking. I'd die of bordom if that happened.

Carnation, I wish you could talk so you could tell me what to do.

I read a profile on Virgos (I'm almost positive that's his sign) and my word! It fit him completely.

Gotta go!

Love,

March 5, 1992 (age 14)

Hey, my Carnation, Well, I just looked back and realize it's been a little more than a month since Liz first told me that Curt liked me.  On March 2nd, she asked him if she still does and he says yes.  This is too odd for me to handle.  I feel so weird around him. I mean, I really like him, I just don't understand him.  It seems like if I talk to him a lot he kind of backs off and it takes days to get back to a normal state of conversation.

This year, I'm a lot more confident that I was last year, but Curt makes it hard since he's this shy, quiet, very deep person whom I can't seem to get close to.  It makes me so frustrated sometimes that I could die.

I used to think when people would tell me that he liked me that they were just saying that to make me get my hopes up and then find out he really didn't.  I thought it was the school's joke or something.

Now I don't think that.  I don't know what to think.  One thing I noticed about us is that it is so hard for us to make eye contact with each other.

Now Carnation, I am going to admit something to you that I would never, ever tell anyone.  The thing is, I like him so much that even the little zit on his chin is cute to me.  (If I ever stop liking him, this will crack me up when I read it again!)

There's a song, it says--Even if I'm right next to you, you're still too far away - if I'm not inside your arms.  Sometimes that's exactly how I feel.  When we walk together, I am always wishing that he had his arm around me or would hold my hand.

(If only you could see me right now.  I'm so embarrassed.)

I love you!

February 25, 1992 (age 14)

Carnation, I'm scared to death.  I did something completely stupid and there is no way I can ever fix it.  (I don't think.)  It will ruin my face forever.

You see, my mom has this hair remover stuff called Nair in the drawer.  I saw it and decided that since I have some hair on my face that I would try it.  Appearently this stuff isn't all that great of quality because it only worked partway.

Now I have little prickly things on my face and I'm so scared.  I also have a rash around my mouth from it.  I could just die.  My mom is going to kill me and I'm going to kill myself and everyone at school will laugh at me and Curt won't like me again and he won't ask me to the banquet and my social life will be completely ruined.

My acting career will be ruined too because all the producers, directors, agents and whoever else is involved will think I'm too damn ugly to work for them.  I think I will make myself stop breathing while I sleep tonight.  Like that's possible.

Today Curt was pretty nice to me.  He wasn't mad or anything, just I don't know, a little cold at first but then he lightened up.  It was fine.  I don't know exactly what his problem could possibly have been.

Some bell choir came to our school and it was boring.  Sorry, but it was dull.

I have to go now.  Oh Carnation.  I am so scared about my face.  I just don't know what to do.

Good bye.

Love,

Help me!!!

February 24, 1992 (age 14) #2

This is the continuation of last week's eight page entry: When we finally arrived back at Liz and Lacey's, I told Liz and Tara how I felt.  They were nice about and guess what!  I started crying!  I was shocked.  It was weird and I felt really dumb to be sitting there crying in front of them.

I know Liz didn't understand what was wrong.  I mean, I told her, but she she just isn't the type to cry over a guy.  Tara is so she could relate.  I still feel stupid about it.

Sunday was boring.  We didn't do anything except watch television.  Now for today.  Oh.  Where do I start?  It was completely depressing.  I wish that I could rewind my life back to friday or saterday.  Then I would most definately try my hardest to change that party.

So at school, I walked in the door and he was standing there.  (Curt.)  He had no expression on his face.  It was awful.  I tried to just ignore him, but when it was second period -- English -- and Liz and I had come back in the building, Curt and Mikey were in the hall and he just walked around me like I was the plague.  So I said, "Curt, are you mad at me?"

His answer was dripping with sarcasm.  "No. Why would I be mad at you?"

That got me mad so I left.  We ignored each other for the rest of the day.  I still don't have any idea why he was so angry with me.  I don't know what I did and I'm kindof worried.  I'm trying not to think about it.  Maybe he thinks I'm really moody.  I don't have any idea.  I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out.  Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, you know.

I tried to be cautious.  I tried not to get involved.  I tried not to let my feelings for him get out of hand and I guess I didn't succeed because I really like this guy!

I gotta sleep now!  Love ya much!

P.S. I need help!

February 24, 1992 (age 14) #1

Hello Carnation, I know it's been awhile since I wrote in here, but I have not had anything of major importance to write about.  Now I do.

I guess I'll start at the beginning.  Well, I really like Curt. We actually talk to each other and have become friends. Friday, February 21, I was going to Liz and Lacey's (along with Tara) and we all had to ride the bus.  That was great because Mikey and Curt were all going to be riding.  We got on the first bus that stops at the library.

The first thing I did was make a fool of myself. I saw that everyone else was dropping quarters into the money slot and I thought you could not use 2 dimes and a nickel.  Dumb, huh?  Well it was my first time on a city bus.

The bus ride was fun except for Mikey kept making rude comments to Curt about me.  For example, if I ever opened my mouth, he would poke Curt and say, "You idiot. There was your chance."  What he meant, I assume, was that Curt should have kissed me.  Also, he kept making comments like, "Oooh, Curt.  She's opening her legs." Some of it was really sick.  Mikey can be soooo rude sometimes.

Then we went to the park.  It was great.  Well, at first it wasn't.  Mikey was spraying hairspray and using a lighter on it.   But then of course Tara had to butt in our fun and she took the lighter away and threw it across the street. It was rude.  So Liz and Lacey were mad at her and went to sit over on this statue.  I went over there and then Mikey and Curt and Tara did.  Then all of them left Curt and me alone together.

It was great.  It really was.  The two of us just sat there together and talked about everything.  He was such a sweetheart I didn't want to have to leave him.  But our bus came and Liz, Lacey, Tara, and I have to leave Curt and Mikey.

I was so happy on the bus ride home.  I must have spent the whole time talking about Curt.  It was getting on Liz's nerves.  I could tell.

The next morning we went to church.  That was uneventful.  After church, Liz and I spent a completely boring afternoon at Michelle's where we got everything ready for a surprise birthday party for Tara.  I was so excited because I knew Curt was going to be there.

He was the first to arrive.  But after he'd been there a total of 30 seconds, Mikey and a whole bunch of other people drove up and Mikey started in on me the moment he stepped out of him dad's car.  He said a bunch of embarring stuff to Curt and me as usual, and that put me in a bad mood.  The truth is, it bugs me a little, but mostly it just bugged me to see Curt that embarrassed.  I don't want him to get alot of heat because of me, you know.  It makes me feel so guilty even though I know it's not my fault.

So the party started and I was mad at Mikey for being so mean to Curt and I was mad at Tara because she was being a bitch. Sorry, but she was.  So I was in a terrible mood and everyone knew it.

Then we had to play this game where everyone would pick a person and ask them whatever questions that they wanted.  Someone chose Curt and they were asking him sick questions like, "How far did you go with Missy, Corine, etc."  He was really embarrassed.

I was furious at all those people and I guess that I kind of took it out on Liz, so she was mad at me.  (We finally made up afterward.)  Then someone was asking if Curt liked me.  He was so red after all those questions and I was mad because they wouldn't leave him alone.

Curt's parents were the first to come.  He was so glad to leave that he practically ran out of the house.  I felt awful.  Finally all of the other guests left.  I was glad because I was in an awful mood.  Me, Lacey, Liz, Sam, Tara, Jeremy, and Michelle all stayed after everyone left and played strip spin the bottle.  It sounds corny, I know, but it made me feel better for awhile.

To be continued next week....

February 7, 1992 (age 14)

To Carnation, It's Friday night and I'm in Portland.  Kind of a drag, I know.  I called Mignonne and she just told me that she got grounded from the phone because she quit her job. Appearantly her parents were very angry with her.

I don't Gary and Diane and they started preaching at me as if I were the one who quit my job.  That bugs.  First of all, I don't even have a job and second, if I did have a job, I most likely wouldn't take their advice about it, especially if they sat there and nagged at me.  Please.  If they had any brains in their heads they would realize that kids do not like to be preached at.

Another thing that bugs me is how Diane always yells at me about chewing on my hair.  I know that it's discusting and I try to stop but she doesn't have to get all pissed.  It's none of her business.  At least my hair-chewing habit doesn't destroy brain cells.

Now if you do not mind, I will change the subject to the "men" in my life.  No, I do not have a boyfriend.  I'm just refering to all the guys that I happen to associate with.  I do not like Evan.  I think that week at Whistler kind of spoiled it all for me.  Thank goodness I discovered that living with him is not great before I decided I wanted him to propose or something.

Connor is a pain in the butt.  He's nice, but he's a pain, too.  I really don't understand him.  I don't think I like him in that way.  Just for a friend.

I don't even know Curt so there's not much that I can say about him.  I don't know if I believe Liz and Mikey when they say that he likes me because he never even talks to me.  He just kindof ignores me.

The reason I doubt Liz is because, well, she's told me before that she thought people liked me but they were really just being nice.

I don't remember if I told you, but it turns out that Sam liked me and Tara at the same time.  He only went for her (supposedly) because she was more forward than I.  Tara admited to me that she was really jealous of me.  I don't know why.  I still think Sam's a bit young for her.  He's 14 and she's 16!!

I know I'm not one to talk, I encourage a big age difference if it has anything to do with Christian Slater and me or actually me and any kind, decent guy of any age.

Now Samantha and Brandon like each other.  He's pretty nice actually, but I don't know what he could possibly see in her.  Yuck!

I have to sleep now.  If I weren't for sleep, I could probably write another ten pages.  Sorry!

Love,

February 2, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Today was Sunday and it was boring.  I don't to go back to school tomorrow.  I am sick of all of these people.  They are irratating.

Right now my bedroom is a disaster.  I hate my room messy but I also hate it when it's too clean.  That's a drag.

I wish there was a way that Shelly and Colie could live forever. I wish they really did have nine lives.  Then when they died, I'd just pick them up and say, "Okay. One down.  8 to go."

Right now my teeth are hurting.  I haven't been able to wear my retainer except at night lately so they are getting crooked.  I hate my stupid retainer.

I am so tired of this school.  I wish I could just go to a normal school.  This school is so nerdy.  I hate having to drive for a half an hour to get to school each day.  This school is so lame it's not even worth it.

Liz called me last night.  She said that they rented Pump Up the Volume.  I know that's stupid, but I felt kindof jealous that they were going to watch it.  I didn't want them to see it without me there.

Right now I'm listening to Live and Let Die by Guns and Roses.  I think it's cool.  I like heavy metal. I love Metallica and Nirvana.  I know that's weird but I do.

I have to sleep.  My arm hurts.

GOOD NIGHT.

Love,

February 1, 1992 (age 14)

Yo Carnation! Well, I got home from skiing yesterday. I was really glad to leave that place.  I was getting sick of everyone. Before I got to know everyone, it was great.  But now I'm just sick of all their attitudes.

Samantha and Holly proved to be really hypocratic.  Every night they would come to our room and tell us to shut up when we were only whispering and it was only about 10:00 or so.  Then on the last night we were there, the two of them and Brandon snuck out and went to the TV room, where they stayed until 4:30am.  Then on their way back to bed, they ended up waking up some people and the baby. I thought that was really rude. Then when they had to wake up they were really grouchy and bitching out everyone. I hate them.  I'm sick of talking about those hypocrits.

The last night, we (me, Liz, and some other people) went into Whistler Village at nighttime.  (We were chaperoned by a few adults though.)  It was a total disaster.  There was a bunch of drunk perverts out there.  They were saying to Lacey, "Hey baby. You're lookin' good up and down." To me and Liz they just said, "Hey girls.  Why don't you come over and sit with us.  We've got plenty of room."

Then they were waving at us and stuff.  I felt so sorry for poor Lacey.  She was really scared.  She tried to ignore them but then they started to throw snowballs at her.

I bought presents for my mom, Bill, and Lindsey.  I got my mom a bunny-rabbit sachet.  I got Bill a tie pin in the shape of  a leaf.  That thing was expensive.  For Linds I got a a purple bracelet.  For myself I got a cool looking green and peach rock.

Tara got mad at Lacey for some reason.  I don't really want to get into it, but let me tell you, it was a dumb reason.

For lunch on the mountain, I had yogurt every day.  It was great.

Right now, I'm burping in Lindsey's face.  Poor Linds.  She says she wants some air freshener.

We went out for Baskin-Robbins tonight.

The ride home Tara rode with us too, so it was pretty crowded.  Liz didn't want Tara to ride with us, but surprisingly enough, Tara was actually in a good mood.  Shockin' aint it?

When I got home, I was confronted with the fact that my family has suddenly turned religious.  It's weird.  Our family has never been religious or anything. It actually scares me.  I don't know how to react.  We had to go to church today.  I never have liked going to church.  I don't like the atmosphere.

I met a guy named Andre a church.  I thought he was a total jerk.  I hope I never have to see him again.  He was pretty rude.  Oh well.

By the way, I hate Evan now.  I hate him with a passion.  I think he's a complete idiot.  I don't like Curt or Connor and I don't really think they like me for anything more than a friend.

I feel like a total idiot.  I feel like a totally different person since the trip.  Now stupid things like boyfriends and the banquet don't matter to me anymore.  I'm just so tired about hearing all that junk.

I still like Christian Slater, but now I just respect him.  I still think he's awesome, but I don't think I love him or anything.  I still want to act because, well, it's the only thing I can do.

Love,

January 28, 1992 (age 14)

Dearest Carnation, I have to tell you right off:  I had a blast today.  I skiied most of the day with just Tara and it was really fun.  I made my first attempt at jumps here at Mt. Whistler.  It was kindof funny, but I had fun.  I never have been all that good at jumps anyways.

Tara and I went on a black diamond run (one of the hardest kind).  I think I might actually have had fun if it weren't so foggy out there.  I couldn't see where the heck I was going for most of that run.

For our lesson this morning our group got a different instructor.  His name is Dave and he is hilarious!  At first he went kindof too fast but then he slowed it down kindof so that we could catch up.

Compared to everyone else, I am fast and reckless.  The highlight of my day is to go as fast as I possibly can!  I love to speed up and take jumps.  The thing is, I can usually stop whenever I need to.  Oh, another thing that I love to do is when I'm coming to a stop to spray powder all over the person in front of me.

Good night!

Love,

January 27?, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, I'm really not sure what the date is, but it was our first day skiing today. It was so much fun!  I'd forgotten how fun that it actually is.

I went to Tara, Evan, Sarah, and Stewart's lesson.  The truth is, I'm a better skier than all of them, I just don't have perfect form.  You see, in 7th and 8th grade, I skipped alot of my lessons so I never really learned it.

My knee was killing me the whole time and it was really a drag.  I went on so many runs, it was awesome.

I hated going in the lodge at lunch because I hate feeling like a tourist.  I just hate that.  Some people were speaking french and I felt like an idiot!  Also, I didn't know a Canadian quarter was and I had to ask some snobby girl.  That was embarrassing.

I was so proud of myself.  I only had about two really bad wipe outs.

Well, time for lights out!

Love,

January 26, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, This is going to be really sloppy because it's kindof dark in here.  Well, in case you're wondering, I did go through with it.  I'm here at Whistler.  We woke up about 6:30 or so this morning.  We went to the store and did some stuff then we went to the school and finally we took off!

We rode (me and Liz) with Mr. M and some guy named Bruno.  The grossest thing was Bruno ate a sandwich with nothing but onions on it.  It was discusting!  Then he kept farting in his big old car.

The ride up was Bo-oring.  Me and Liz fell asleep in the car and slept for about two hours, I think.  The times when we were awake we listened to our walkman's and we were singing and headbanging.  I know Mr. M thinks I'm a complete psychotic.

The lodge is alot different thatn I thought.  It's like a maze.  I can't hardly find my way around.  It's pretty cool except that some of the adults are real screwballs.

There is a TV room on the 3rd floor.  The second floor has the kitchen and living room and rec room.  The first floor has our "bedrooms."   They are really just a wall between like little section and they have curtains instead of doors.

I share a room with Liz, Lacey, Michelle, Tara, and Tara's little sister.  Liz and I got the bottom bunks.  (We didn't really want them.)  We are clear across the room from each other.  Our room is such a dump!  There is crap just strewn all over!

I don't have much time left to write much else, so I should be going.

Mikey asked me if Curt asked me to the banquet what I would say.  I told him I didn't know because I really don't know Curt.  I don't want Curt to ask me anyway.  I want either Connor or Evan to.  Bye Carnation!

Love, xo

January 25, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Hello.  I went to church today with Liz and Lacey.  It was pretty boring, as usual.  Then for lunch we went to their Aunt's.  We were there for a long time.  It was pretty boring too.  Finally we got to come back here.  We pretty much just packed all our stuff for the ski trip.  Well, I actually had to repack my stuff.

I am pretty nervous about this trip.  I don't know why for sure.  Tara asks all excited, but I just can't.  The whole idea of this trip is giving me a headache.

Liz and Lacey's parents went to some auction so this girl came over.   She is a real pest.  We watched Robin Hood and Kindergarten Cop.  (Not in that order.)  My Christian was wonderful as usual.  That movie is starting to bore me, but I still think he did an awesome job.

So right now my favorite movies are Pump Up the Volume and Heathers.

I watched him on a late night talk show the other night and I noticed that he has the same nervous habits in real life as he does on movies when he's playing a person who is nervous.  He bites his lip and run his hands through his hair and kindof bites his nails.

I do all of those things.  Especially the first and last ones.  I don't usually run my hands over my hair, I either chew on the ends or seperate a big chunk strand by strand until I have only one strand left.  Is that weird?  I think it is.

Sometimes I pick at my nail polish.  I hate that because then my nails end up looking butt ugly.

One think I noticed is that I usually like the bad guys in movies.  I always admire them for having the courage to stand up to the corny good person.  There are some good guys I like but I usually go for the evil suckers.  Of course I like Christian no matter who he plays because he is so cool.

I've decided that the best part for me to play would be a snobby, stuck up bitch.  I think I could do a really good job with that!!  What do you think, Carnation?  I don't think I'd be as good of a nice person, but I really don't know since I don't have any experience.

I want to be in like Children's Theater or something, I could probably because I am young enough looking.  I could probably pass for a ten year old if I wanted to.

I kindof acted like an idiot when we were watching Robin Hood.  I was screaming and stuff but that's just because I was really hyper.    We had pizza for dinner.

I have to go now.  Good bye.  I love you.  Good night.

Love,

xo

January 24, 1992 (age 14)

To Carnation, Hello Hello Hello.  How have you been this day?  I am at Liz's house right now.  Aren't you proud of me?  I guess I'm glad I'm not at Tara's.  I don't know.  I like it over here.  Everyone's so funny and stuff.

Liz's cousin (who is Tara's boyfriend) was over here.  I know he thinks I'm a really lame person.  He was looking at me like... Oh yeah.  You are weird.

Big deal.  I know everyone think I'm weird anyways.

I am not looking forward to going on this trip.  It will not be fun.

I feel sorry for Lacey because this 7th grader has a crush on her and he's kind of a little pest in my opinion.

My eyes hurt right now.  I don't know why.  They just sting for some reason.

I feel like such a crazy person.  I've been sitting here talking like an idiot to Liz and Lacey.  I have been running my mouth one-hundred miles a minute.  It's really pathetic.  I just can't seem to shut up.  I hate it when that happens.

For dinner we had deep-fried cauliflower and stuff and I feel like a greaseball.  I also drank two caffeine free Cokes.  TWO.  I don't think I've done that for a long time.

I'm pretty tired.  I think I might asleep with my pen still in my hand.

Oh!  I don't want to go on this trip.

Today Connor was kindof bugging me during P.E. and stuff.  He was being kindof bossy.  That's one thing I can't stand is to have people tell me what to do.

No one ever told me that we weren't going to have that bake sale today so I brought 21 cupcakes and I had to give them away.  That was dumb.  It wasn't fair that I brought them and noone even gave me money.  (By the way, I'm kindof joking, but not really.)

Would you believe that Liz skipped school today just because she didn't want to take the Algebra test.  I can't believe her.

I just love the movie Heathers.  I want to watch it again.  I think it's cool watching Christian play a psycho!

Some people not be able to go on the ski trip because they are sick.  I feel sorry for those people.  I mean, they have already paid and stuff.

Liz told me that Tara and [Tara's boyfriend] were doing gross things when they were last over here together.  I can't believe it.  I don't know why.  I guess maybe because I would never go and do that stuff.  At least I can't imagine myself doing that.  Yuck.

I'm so hot.  This house is really hot.  My house is always so cold.  I am wearing shorts right now and at home I wear long-johns!!

Evan hasn't been to school for days.  I don't even know if I like him anymore.  I hate to say this, but I wish I could meet a guy like Christian Slater.  I mean, he's awesome.  He's such a sweetheart  and, oh, I don't know!  I probably should be getting myself to sleep.  It's almost 10:30 p.m.!!

We have to go to church tomorrow.  I really don't like going to church very well.  I know that that's not very nice to God, but I can't help it.  Church is so superficial.  (What does superficial even mean?)

Love you! xo

January 23, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Well, tomorrow's the day. First I go to Liz's and then on Sunday we are heading up to Whistler.  This is weird.  Something just doesn't feel right about all this.  I can't tell exactly why.  Today three people were absent.  I wish we could just delay this trip for a week or two.  That would make it alot easier.

I have a terrible feeling that I'm going to have too much luggage.  That always seems to happen to me, everytime I go on a trip.  I really hate that.

I'm not even sure whether or not I even want to go on this stupid trip.  Oh well.  Too late now since we already paid and stuff.

Liz told me that Curt told her that he likes me.  I really don't know about that.  Even if he does, I can assure you that it won't last long.  When guys like me they always hang around too much and then I get sick of them and they get sick of me.

I just know that tomorrow I am going to forget something.  This whole idea of this stupid trip is making me nauseas.

Today Connor was teasing me alot.  It was actually quite rude if you want my opinion.

I'm still contemplating whether I should bring this book or not.  If anyone finds it while we're up there, I'll have to commit suicide or something.  In all, this is actually a lame diary but it was be embarrassing if anyone read it anyway.

Today I couldn't keep my mind off Christian Slater.  It's really annoying that some guy  I haven't officially met can be such a pain.  I'll never forget the dream I had about a month or two ago.  It took place at Whistler and I met Christian.  We were stranded in some pit thing for 3 days.  It was dumb, but it was really deep too.  It was weird.  The most memorable part of it was that he told me he loved me.  That was weird because not one person - excluding relatives - has ever told me that.  I actually kind of liked that dream.

I was so proud of him now that he's a director.  I never did want to be an actress till this year and I still do want to be a director.  I always think it's so cool when an actor does become a director because it shows me that it's possible.

Tomorrow we are riding the bus home to Liz's.  I'm kindof worried since I'm going to have all of that luggage and stuff.  That will be embarrassing to have to haul all of that crap with me on the bus.  I probably should stop worrying but I am so stressed out!!  I wish this trip wasn't so close and I wish that I had started packing last year some time to make sure I didn't forget anything.  Oooh!  I am just so worried about this trip!

I should probably get some rest now.  Oh!  I don't want to go on this trip!  I wish I wasn't going at all.  Good Bye Carnation!  See ya later!  I [heart] you!

Love,

xo       Auugggh!!

January 22, 1992 (age 14)

Hello Carnation, It's been awhile since I really talked about Christian so here goes.  first of all, he's now a director as well as an actor.  He directed Kuffs and he's the director of a whole bunch of children's plays.  I think that's cute and really sweet.

I think I might be falling Connor in my class.  I think he might like me too, but I, of course, really have absolutely no idea.

Back to Christian now.  He is so cool.  The weirdest thing about Slater is that right now he's fulfilling my life-long dream -- to first become successful in acting and then to start actually directing.

Today I started to wonder if we look alike.  I just looked at our faces and some of our features looked alike.

I gotta go now.  My arm has a cramp and I'm tired!!

Love,

January 21, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Today was a weird day.  It was.  I don't know how to describe how I feel about today other than that.  It was a day for new beginnings.  A new semester - which means a new quarter.  Also a new week, a new computer class, I'm not in choir (Hallaluya!), and we got a new student.  She really sweet actually.  She's pretty funny too.

Today was also a weird day for me to be around Connor and Evan.  I was such an airhead today.

I still have my G.D. cough, still. I hate colds!  They are awful.

Anyways, I kind of wonder if Evan likes me.  He was a real sweetheart person to me today.  Actually, so was Connor.  Don't worry, Carnation, I'm sure my head won't be this big for long, so I may as well enjoy it.

Tara is mad at me.  I know she is because Liz told me.  You see, for the weekend we go skiing, my mom wanted me to stay at someone's for the weekend so that she would not have to haul my butt all the way to Olympia on Sunday morning.  Liz said she was grounded and I couldn't come to her house.  I asked Tara if she knew someone I could stay with.  She said that she would ask if I could stay with her.

So today Liz told me that her parents changed their minds.  Then Tara told me her parents said I could come to their house.  So I had to choose between them. The truth it, Tara acted like she wouldn't feel bad if I chose Liz, and Liz begged me to stay with her.  So I chose Liz.  Now Tara is mad at me.

My dress came in the mail today!  It actually doesn't look too bad!

Love ya!! xox

January 20, 1992 (age 14)

Dearest Carnation, Today we had the day off of school because of Martin Luther King Day.  I still have my cold, but all of those other things are gone.  Thank goodness!  I am now just left with a nasty cough and stuffy nose.

I came home today from Portland.

I'm never going to start smoking.  What's even the point of smoking? Does it make you feel happier or calm or something?  I don't understand the purpose of it.

I'm not trying to figure out if I have a long nose.  I had this dream and some person said I look exactly like [some girl].

I have to tell you now about how weird I've been today about Christian Slater.  I've had this feeling like I know him better or something.  It's kind of exciting actually.  Gosh!  Do I want to meet him!  I really do!!  The truth is, I know it wouldn't work out.  I mean, look at us!  He's 22 years old.  I am only 14!  It is completely psychotic for me to even be contemplating any of this in my head!  Often times, when I imagine meeting him, we become friends right away.

I know sometimes I'm just a hopeless romantic, but sometimes I need to be to keep myself sane.  Around here, guys can't think of as a girlfriend or anything.

I read my horoscope today.  It said:  Sometime in the near future you will be invited to an event.  Accept!  I thought about it and the only thing I could think of was the banquet.  Hopefully something does happen with that.  I love you!

Love, xoxo

January 19, 1992 (age 14)

My dearest Carnation, How long, I wonder, have you been eagerly waiting for yet another episode of Mindi's life?

Today was an awesome day!  When I first woke up, I didn't feel too good, but than after about, oh, two maybe three hours, I felt fine.

I went to Mignonne's and we made arrangements to see Kuffs.  Then her mom was like, "No, you can't go see that!"

I was shocked.  After a lot of yelling from Mignonne, her parents were convinced to let her go.  It was hilarious!  Then her dad said that both him and Donnie were coming.  Mignonne was really mad.  She was like, "I'm almost 15 years old!  I do not think I need to be chaperoned to a PG-13 movie, Dad!"

There was no changing his mind though and they came with us.  Personally, I thought the movie was good.  I don't see what all this B.S. was about it being "too violent" or "stupid" and stuff like that.  I thought it was a really cute movie!!

Of course, my favorite person to be jealous of - Milla Jovovich was in it, but she wasn't in it too much thank goodness.  I thought Christian Slater did a good job and was really funny.  That, of course, is only my personal opinion.

After, would you believe, we went to see another movie:  Star Trek VI.  I don't know exactly what to say about that one.  I'm certainly not a Star Trek fan so I really didn't understand most of the movie.  It was kind of boring.  Christian made a quick appearance.  I think he was on a grand total of 15 seconds, but he was cute in his little star fleet suit!!

I guess I should go to bed.  It's almost 11:30pm.  I have to get up early tomorrow -- to go home!

Love,

xo