October 23, 1992 (age 15)

Well, today was a pretty okay day. Not exciting, not boring. Just kind of there. I'm not mad a Dylan anymore and I don't think he's evil. I have this thing now where I just want him. I want to kiss him and hold him and that kind of stuff. Sometimes I feel like I hate him, but right now, I feel like I love him. He makes me feel weird.

I really want to kiss him. We've never kissed and I think it's nessisary and it should happen soon. The problem is, it doesn't look like he's going to make the first move. That means it's up to me. But what if he doesn't want me to kiss him? What if I make a fool of myself?

Another complication is that we have like no opportunity to do this. During school, there is no way because when we do have breaks together, that means that the rest of our classes have breaks with us. No way am I going to kiss him in front of people!

Before school is  a stupid idea because the hall is full of student and also all of the teachers. That is the ultimate no-no.

That leaves after school. At that point in time, we're always working out butts off vacuuming to make our school a cleaner place to learn. Mind you, we work in different classrooms. When work is done, there is always two or three little kids in the hall and teachers wandering around.

We don't see each other on weekends unless we happen to go to the same church. That is very rare. In fact, it's happened once. Tomorrow, it's going to happen again, I think.

We don't go on dates because we have no transportation and both my mom and his parents would kill us if we even mentioned such a thing to them. Speaking of his parents, they are two grouchy old people. They are always bitching at him. If he calls me, he can't talk for more than 5 or 10 minutes. If he attempts to do this, his mommy and daddy darlings will start screaming and threatening him and all that kind of crap. I think they are both jerks.

Today, a girl from my old church told me that a friend of ours is not even close to be as innocent as we first thought he was. Appearantly, he drinks alot and sleeps around. He's 13 years old and he got a girl pregnant. I am in shock. I knew he had problems (he tried to kill himself last summer after his girlfriend broke up with him), but I didn't know things were that bad. And last Saturday, he kissed a girl even though he has a girlfriend with whom he has had sex with.

I feel kind of weird knowing all of this about him. I thought he was just a cute, sweet, strange, normal teenager. I wonder if he also does drugs. I would die if he did.

At the church I used to go to, the "in" thing is to NOT be a virgin. I don't want to do it just to do it. I only would if I really loved the guy. It's kind of weird. I'm worried about just kissing Dylan, but these kids don't have a problem sleeping around. I could never be like that.

It's kind of odd that the "Christian youth" are worse influences on me than lots of people I've met other places.

Oh gosh. Now I'm back to worrying about The Kiss. I just want it to be something special that I'll remember for a really long time. Most people probably don't even care about this. I don't know. Maybe they do. I wish I could just find the courage to kiss him, though.

Maybe tomorrow at church. NOT! Maybe on Monday. Maybe next month. That would be depressing if I had to wait a whole damn month for a kiss. I would die. I feel like I'm going to die right now as it is.

Well, I should go now. This is 8 pages and only 5 of them were about this kiss. The Kiss that Never Was.

Okay. I really would die if we never even kiss once. Auugggh!

I love you!

Love,

October 20, 1992 (age 15)

Well, Rainbow (that's what your cover says, right?). I'm sure that you are surprised to hear from me again so incredibly soon. Wow. Back to back writing in here. Coolness. The first thing I will say is that I won the election and am A.S.B. Vice-President. Now I have yet another responsibility to take on. I really need time to do my homework. In fact, I shouldn't have a social life until I catch up. Whatever.

Today, Dylan was a total dick. I could about strangle him. He got mad at my sister because when he was vacuuming*, the cord came unplugged. He had an absolute cow and started yelling at her. So I got mad and told him he should keep quiet because he didn't know what he was talking about. Somehow the word "jerk" slipped in there (I don't know how that possibly could have happened!). He got totally pissed.

I left the room to talk to Rob when I came back, Mr. Jerk was banging the vacuum around and that kind of crap. So I said, "Oh, so I presume you're mad at me."

He turned the vacuum off in a huff and yelled, "Yes, I am!"

Then he turned it back on and started banging stuff again. I jumped on the vacuum and turned it off and he started totally yelling at me. I suggested that my sister leave the room, but she "couldn't," so we went into the library.

He said, "I can't stand it. You're always so sarcastic and you're a jerk to me!"

That pissed me off and I said that I had to stick up for my sister and blah, blah, blah. Then we stood there and glared at each other for a few minutes and then he whined, "I'm sorry."

WHAT A CREEP. Anyway. We made up and that's all taken care of. I'm still pissed off, but I guess everything is fine for now. When he gets mad, he gets so violent.

I swear, in the halls and stuff, he looks like a total stoner. He never talks, never smiles. I guess that's how he is in all his classes too. I wouldn't know because I've never had a class with him. Tori said that the only time he's ever happy is when he's with me. That scares me. Maybe he's evil.

I know. That's a terrible thought to think about my boyfriend. He is kind of cute and ugly all mixed together. It's hard to explain. I wish he would break up with me. I don't want us to break up, but I don't want us to go out anymore either. Maybe we should both just die. Then we won't have to worry about it anymore.**

I think that I should go now. It's almost 10 pm and I'm tired. I still have about 100 tons of homework to do. I could about puke.

Love ya,  *FYI: "Dylan" and I worked as janitors at our school that particular year, mostly so that we could stay an hour or more late at school and spend time together.

**It sounds like I'm suicidal, but I think I was trying to be funny?

October 19, 1992 (age 15)

Today was basically a dull, boring, ordinary day for me. Nothing new and exciting. There are some things that would be quite beneficial for you to know since it's been like 3 weeks since I've written in this thing. 1. Mignonne came up for here for my birthday. We has a blast. (I hate that phrase.)

2. Dylan asked me out again -- on my birthday. I turned him down.

3. Curt is trying to get together with me again.

4. Me and Dylan are back together now - it was my idea.

5. Dylan has braces now.

6. We got a new kid in our school. I think he might be a homicidal maniac. I'm scared of him.

7. We have been playing football for P.E. I could about puke.

8. We are having ASB elections tomorrow. I am running against Curt for vice-president.

9. I am the assistant yearbook editor.

10. Curt told me how much he likes me and how incredibly hurt he is that I'm going out with Dylan again.

11. Tori was saying some pretty lude stuff about me and Dylan today. She claims it was "just to make him mad because he's such an asshole." Whatever. I don't care anyway.

12. Renee broke up with her boyfriend last week.

13. I am starting to wish Dylan would break up with me.

14. Today, Troy told me he likes my voice and how I talk.

15. Right now, I am so tired that I'm about to collapse.

16. See ya later. Love ya!

17.

September 25, 1992 (age 14)

Okay now. Dylan is no longer a problem for me. We are friends now. Now my problem is Curt. We were going together when I was a freshman and he was an 8th grader. He broke up with me over the summer. Now he's a freshman and I'm a sophmore and we have every single class together. He is so obnoxious. You should see him in P.E. He is always yelling at me and telling me what to do. I cam getting so sick of it.

Anyways. I am very confused right now. I think I like Rob, but I also think I like Mikey, but I might still like Dylan. I don't know what I should do. Oh, I might also like Jonathan. (How could I have forgotten?) I don't want to like Jonathan, though, because Liz has it bad for him. So I don't know who I like or what I should do.

Mikey doesn't want a girlfriend, so I probably shouldn't bother. Rob likes someone, but I don't know who. I assume that it's most likely not me. Jonathan probably wouldn't go for me. And Dylan. I don't know if I like him enough to want to get back together with him. Even if I did, I don't know if he would be willing to go out with me again.

Why does all of this crap have to be so complicated? I know that Liz doesn't want me to go out with Dylan again. She thinks he's a horny guy who wants to use me for his own little toy. I don't know about that.

Anyhow, I can't think of anything else to write about. I guess I'll sign off right here.

Love ya,

September 22, 1992 (age 14)

I am now a sophmore and I still go to school in Olympia. My purpose in writing on this day of darkness is to complain about Dylan. He asked me out on September 3rd. That was the first day of school. I accepted. At that time, I really liked him and thought he was a real sweetheart. Then as the days progressed, it became quite apparent to me what he was after and I started to get worried. On September 15th, I broke up with him. I was very nice about it and gave him all legitamate reasons (I.E. bad timing, I had alot of stress right now, etc.) I thought he understood. He was really quiet and then said something like, I guess I know what you mean."

I felt so awful when I left him I was crying. I thought that would be the end of it. I thought that a) we could be friends and maybe go out again someday or b) we'd remain friends and both go for someone else.

Apparently none of these things were meant to be. I have tried to be nice, to be his friend. He is not responding. He totally ignores me and walks through the hall like he's a stoner or something. Everyone says that he hardly talks anymore.

The day I broke up with him, he went back to class and started crying during class.Tori asked him if he wanted her to beat me up (she claims that she was joking). He said, "No, I love her."

So I called him one night and I started crying on the phone! I was so mad at myself. So the next day he came to me during my lunch and told me that the wanted to talk to me. So I went out in the hall. He said, "Why were you crying last night?" So I said, "I was being a wimp."

So he said he'd been crying alot too. So I asked if he was a wimp too. Anyhow, I thought everything was okay and that we were going to be friends, but then on Monday he was a real jerk. He was ignoring me and I tried to be nice and talk to him and he was such an a-hole. I wanted to strangle him. So I started yelling at him and told him to go away because I was sick of him being so rude. So today I ignored him and was totally bitchy. I guess he got the hint because he just called me a few minutes ago.

I just realized for the first time that he is really weird. This is Dylan's definition of talking on the phone: I talk and he listens. Occasionaly he throws in a couple of "ohs" or something, but that's it.

He did say one thing that I'm confused about. He said that I make him feel like an idiot.

Well, I gotta go now.

Love,

July 18, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Well, right now I am in Idaho with my youth group. We got here last Sunday and we leave tomorrow. This trip has been pretty fun. We've gone boating, white-water rafting, and swimming in the river mainly. Today we went up to the hot springs. On Thursday we drove to Boise and went through Pacific Press and the park and stuff.

I have learned alot about these people:

A) is a jerk and has a terrible temper, B) brags alot and is kindof weird, C) is sooo strange, D) likes to play games with peoples minds E) is bitchy, F) sits around and pouts when she's mad, G) is kindof bossy.

And I'm too tired to write anymore.

Love,

July 3, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Well I arrived down here in Portland yesterday. I found out that Gary had moved to a new house. It's not the greatest house in the world, but it is alot better than before.

Some relatives are visiting from Boston and New Jersey. It's been good to see them.

I got a start on school shopping. I got a purple silk shirt for $30 at Meier and Frank and a new dress. I think it looks very good on me. Of course that is just my opinion. I can't wait to go school clothes shopping. It's one of my favorite times of the year. I've already got my list, although it made need some alterations on it.

I know this has been incredibly boring, but NOTHING is going on.

Love,

June 29, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Well, I just got back from campmeeting yesterday and alot happened. Me and Liz got in trouble every night except two. That's pretty pathetic.

Before I get into the details, I will say that this whole book has pretty much been a waste because Curt broke up with me in a letter. Just thought I'd tell ya. It's over. All those months of liking him were a waste. I can, however, honestly say that I'm glad he's going to boarding school next year. This means I won't have to see him for a year.

I found out the second night of campmeeting that Brandon liked me the whole year. He told me. The whole school year! Unbelievable. I know that he doesn't now, but I didn't find that out until the 25, which was a Thursday.

You see, I was starting to like him and he acted like he liked me too. He hugged me and put his arm around me and one night even came into the dorm room I was in and slept in bed with me until 5 in the morning, when he left. That was a crazy night. We layed there, my head on his chest and his arm around me. He was wearing only his boxers and I was wearing only a really big tank top (with underwear). He kept rubbing his hands on me and kissing my fingers while I was touching his hair. He kissed me good night (but not, like, a real kiss). Don't you think that's a good indicator that he might like me? I guess I took it wrong. Who knows?

Another night, Liz and I snuck out and slept in someone's tent. (They weren't there.) He came in and got into the cot with me. That night wasn't as obscene. He just kept touching my knees and stuff like that. I kissed his cheek when he left. He's been avoiding me ever since.

The new love of my life is Dylan. I call him "Dylan my love." I'm not exactly sure what he thinks of me, but I just like to tease him alot. He probably thinks I'm really weird. He did pick a flower for me with his own hands and handed it to me ever so lovingly. Who knows if this will lead to anything? I hope so, but I won't find out until school starts in September.

At campmeeting, I met a bunch of new people and got to know all the people I already knew alot better. Unfortunately, I also got to know more about Curt. People were saying that he had another girlfriend at the same time as he was going out with me. That makes me so mad. He did a good job of hiding it since there's no way I could have found out about her. I wonder if he told her about me. Probably not.

There are so many campmeeting experiences that I wish I had written about at the time, but I didn't. It would take me years to write it all now. I will say that I had a total blast (I still hate that phrase) and that I hope next year is as much fun.

Well, I love ya, Carnation.

Love,

P.S. Aren't you glad it's over between me and Jerk? I am.

June 18, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, This is pretty depressing. There is only 20 pages left in this book! That means only 10 more entries at the most, if I only wrote 2 pages a day.

I've cooled down slightly since yesterday. I guess I said some pretty mean things. I'm sorry to fill you with such filthy language. That's just how I am when I get mad.

You-Know-Who's name is now "Jerk", okay? Maybe I'm being a bit immature about this situation, but I believe that I'm entitled. I feel very hurt right now. That Jerk still hasn't written me back and I'm sure he received the letter on Monday. Maybe even Saturday. I'm starting to get mad.

Calm down.

Okay. I'm fine.

I think my biggest mistake is that I started to care too much and I TOLD him how much I cared. I have confided in him about quite a few things. I can't think of anything really specific right now, but I know there were some things. I guess I never completely trusted him or I'd have told him more.

Sorry, but I'm sick of complaining about Jerk.

Campmeeting starts tomorrow!

Love ya!

June 17, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation,

Before I say anything else, I need to say this: I truly believe that I hate Curt. He is a whole gob of cuss words, which I choose not to write at this moment in time. The last time I wrote in here I was madly in love but I am now madly in hate. I feel so much anger right now that my handwriting is sloppy. WHAT A JERK!

I guess I should explain this emotional outpouring to you. On Saturday, June 13, 1992, my mother took me to the Olympia Church so that I could see Curt. Now I wish she wouldn't have been so kind. He was such an a-hole to me. I sat with him during church and stuff and he didn't talk to me and was completely bored (and boring, I might add). Then, when church was over, he said, "It is entirely too hot in here. I'm going outside."

Then he walked away. So I decided that there was no way in hell that I was going to follow that blankety-blank around, so I walked right past him. I started talking to Mikey (and we had a very nice conversation!) and Curt was talking to [Mikey's sister]. So when Mikey and I were done talking, I decided it would be polite to go over and say good-bye to The Jerk. When I walked over, he instantly stopped talking and just kindof glared at me. So [Mikey's sister] finally left and Curt wouldn't say one damn word to me.

I don't know what I did to him, but I am getting so sick of his b.s. I can't believe that he can be so mean to me.

After Saturday, I really sat down and thought about him and for the first time, I couldn't think of anything good about him. I have made myself look like a fool so many times for him. I was late to almost every class because I was with him. Whenever I had a break, I would look for him so that we could talk. I would ditch my friends for him. I would write him letters and tell him exactly how I felt about him.

Of course, to all those things, there is also bad stuff. I did get mad at him alot because he wasn't willing to do those things for me.

Another thing. I was ALWAYS honest with him. Too honest, sometimes, but at least I WAS HONEST. He, on the other hand, was not. He never told me how he felt. Some people say "he's just shy," but I don't believe it.

Also, he told [Mikey's sister] that I "treat him like shit." Where the hell did he come up with that one? I was so damn unselfish it is pathetic. Embarrassing, even. Anyway, when I asked him about it, he said, "I would never say anything like that because I don't think that at all."

Of course, I forgave him and was gullible enough to believe him. Where are my brains? What an idiot I am. And I cried so much over him! How could I have been so blind, so stupid? How could I have done this to myself?

When everyone thinks back to the last month of school, they'll think of me as Curt's slave. Or Curt's pet. Geez. I can't believe Liz still talks to me after what a fool I've been. I am definitely going to have to appologize to her at camp meeting.

Oh! I guess I forgot to tell ya. On the 19th of this month, I am going to Auburn camp meeting. Me and Liz are going to share a dorm room up there. We are staying from the 19th to the 27th or 28th. I can't wait! I've never been before. Hopefully it will be fun. I already have three bags of groceries packed and most of my clothes too. Me and Liz are (hopefully) going to have a blast. (By the way, I still hate that phrase.)

Mikey's going to be there. So is Brandon. I think Liz said he's even going to be staying in the same building as us. It will be fun to see all our friends. I hope I'm allowed to wear tank tops since that's all I have mainly. I guess there's really nothing they can do to stop me!

Unfortunately, I need to end this unpleasantly and mention Curt again. I wrote him a letter and mailed it Friday--the day before he was such a jerk. It says nice stuff. He never wrote back or called me. What an ass!

Bye! Love ya!

June 7, 1992 (age 14)

Dearest Carnation, Today there was a going away party for Mr. M at Tara's house.  There was alot of people there.  It was pretty fun.

I tried to avoid Curt at first.  I just couldn't face him.  It was so hard for me to see him there.  I just wanted to gather him into my arms and never let him go.  I just can't believe that he's actually leaving me.  I keep hoping that there's some way to make him stay with me.  Maybe I should tie him up and keep him hidden in my garage so his parents can't find him.  (Geez, that was sure a demented thing to write!)

I tried not to get depressed but I did and I got kind of sobby.  Well, my eyes watered and I had about 2 tears leave my eyes.  I think he's mad at me. Maybe I'm just being a selfish ho, not wanting him to go away.  It just doesn't seem fair.  I mean, I've liked other people, but never like this.

At the party, Mr. M kept trying to get Curt to kiss me.  He didn't.  Not that I wanted him to.  That would have made it even worse.  I know that I can't trust myself alone with him.  I don't even want to imagine what I'd do.  I did give him a hug goodbye, only because he asked me to.  Then I didn't want to let go of him.

Carnation, please tell me why I have to love him so much and what I can do to stop it!  I don't want to love him if I'm just going to hurt this much in the process.  What am I going to do next year?   I don't think I'll ever find anyone else.  I'm sure he'll have no problem with that, though.

He says that he's going to write to me this summer.  I hope so.  This is just so unfair!  I have to go before I have an emotional outpouring or something.

Love,

June 5, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Today was the last day of school and alot has happened.  I asked Curt to the banquet and he said yes, so we went.  (I wore my white dress, by the way.)  There were five couples for the banquet. Everyone else went stag.  It was pretty fun.

There was a time in her that Curt and me were having problems and kept fighting and all that crap.  We are quite over that now.

We have been going together for exactly a month today.  I just had to tell you.

Me and Liz had a really big fight which we wouldn't speak to eachother for over 24 hours.  We are all over that now, though.  Thank goodness.

On May 30, me, my mom, my sister, and about 14 other people got baptized into the Tacoma South Side Church.  Sara had a slumber party that weekend and I went over after my baptism. It was pretty fun.

Gary got married a few weeks ago.  It was an okay wedding.  Nothing fancy.

Last night was Curt's 8th grade graduation.  He looked so cute in his new outfit.  He said he didn't want to look at me during the graduation because I kept making him laugh.  Mikey was in the front row and he farted during the graduation!

Afterward, Curt's whole family went out for icecream and they invited me so I went.  He has a nice family.  When it was time to go, me and Curt hugged for the first time.  We've never held hand, kissed, nothing--until that moment--we hugged.  auggh.  Don't jump to high out of your seat.  It was nice though.

Today, being that it was the last day of school, everyone was upset.  There was a lot of people crying.  I even cried -- 3 times.  The first time I was telling Curt - of all the guy I've ever liked, I cared about him the most.  It was my day of confessions to him today.

Then I cried when I said good-bye to Liz.  I don't know why.  We are going to be seeing each other this summer and stuff.

The last time I cried was when I said good-bye to [the school secretary]. She is such a sweet lady.  I'm really going to miss her next year.

I said my good-byes to everyone.  I was said when I did to Brandon.   I told him a few weeks ago that I love him and he's like a big brother to me.  I am really gonna miss him next year - alot.

I walked Curt to the bus for the last time today.  I was depressed.  Next year he's going to boarding school so I won't see him.  The hilarious thing that happened was when the bus pulled up Curt cam over and gave me a hug. Then we just stood there, holding each other -- and as we stood there, the bus drove away.  Ha-ha-ha-ha.  It was funny.  I started laughing so hard that I fell on the ground.  He had to catch a later bus.

I'm glad it ended that way, though, with something funny.  Otherwise I would probably be depressed right now.  It reminds me of that Big Red gum commercial where the people are kissing and their ride leaves them.

Carnation, I just love him so much. I really do.  I don't want to ever let him go.  I know things between us can never be the same.  I wish he would just stay one more year to be with me.

I should probably go now.  It's almost eleven o'clock.

Love,

May 7, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, I know, I know.  I haven't written in here for ages.  Well, a month to be exact.  I'm really sorry about that.  Alot has happened!  We went on our Biology trip to Rosario Beach.  It was an okay trip. I'll tell you about it later sometime.  [A note from adult Mindi:  This is a lie.]

Also, we moved to our new house.  It is in East Olympia.  My room is pretty cool.  It's a disaster, as usual.

About a week before we moved away, Colie our cat  ran away. We haven't seen her since.  I miss her, but I don't want to cry.  I've been crying alot lately.  (I'll explain later, if I feel like it.)  [A note from adult Mindi:  Apparently, I didn't ever feel like it.]

What else?  Hmmmmmm... well, I've received my yearbook.  It was an okay yearbook.  A few people wrote some really raw things in there.

The weather has been pretty hot here lately.  So we go to have - wow! - shorts day.  In my opinion, shorts day should be on whatever day that we students choose to wear shorts.

We had our Fun Run.  I'll get back to that later.  Everything has been fine with Liz and me.  We haven't had any fights to speak of lately.

Oh, I guess I might as well talk about our Fun Run.  It was on May 5.  (I am telling you this for a good reason.)  Okay, the beginning of the  Fun Run was awful. Liz was ticked at me because I wanted to run and she wanted to walk.  So Curt was walking with us then.  Liz goes, "Fine. I'll just go and walk with Sara."

So she left and I was with Curt and Dylan.  So I was talking to them.  Wait!  Just let me backtrack for a second before I continue -- okay the day before the Fun Run, May 4, I told Liz that I was just about to give up on Curt and that I liked someone else.  (He lives across the street from me.)  So appearantly she told him that I was "about to give up on him."  Well, she told me she told him so she obviously did.  Shut up, Mindi, you are rambling.

Okay, so I felt kind of bad and was going to call him that night and tell him I wasn't going to like him anymore and I was going to tell him why.  So I called and he wasn't home.  (I am soooo lucky that he wasn't.)  So I asked his mom to have him call me back and he never did.  So I was pretty mad about that.  The next morning--the day of the Fun Run -- Curt had this thing on his hand.  He had cut himself and had to have 7 stitches.  That was why he hadn't called me.  So we started talking just before the Fun Run started and that was fine.

Now I will go back to when I was talking to Curt and Dylan.  So Dylan left after awhile and it was just me and Curt.  Then, okay, I must collect my thoughts--we were walking over to the table which had the water on it and Curt said, "Can I ask you something?" So I said sure.  So he said, "Will you go out with me?"

I mean, Holy S***!  I was just about to give up on this guy and here he was - asking me out!  I stood there and I stuttered out some idiot question like are you serious or something like that, I don't remember.  So finally I got my act together and I said, "yes."

So now we are going out or going steady or going together or whatever you want to call it.  It is very weird.  It's almost exactly how it was before except we stand closer and I guess we sort of talk more.  Sort of.  Also, I feel alot more self consious when I'm around him and stuff.  People keep asking me stuff like, "Are you happy?" Ya know.  That kind of crap.  And I guess I am.

My feelings for him are so deep and I am afraid to tell him how much I like him.  I don't want to scare him off.  I wonder how he feels about me right now.

Mikey keeps asking if we've kissed or hugged or if he's put his arm around me yet.  Hell, we haven't even held hands yet.  That is perfectly fine with me.  Not to sound like a prude or anything, but I am glad he's not trying to rush me.  We've only been going out for 3 days.

Today, I got to see Mikey's bare ass.  Yes, folks, Mikey mooned me.  Not intentionally, though. He meant to moon Liz, but I accidentally saw. HA!  I'm not supposed to tell anyone.  Mikey said so.

Love,

April 8, 1992 (age 14)

Hey Carnation, Today Liz is absent because, for once, she is really sick!  Shocking, I know.

I swear, Curt is getting really sick of me.  Maybe it's just my imagination like Liz says, but I don't know.

Yesterday, my aunt Tracy had her baby.  It was a girl.  Her name is Lauren Reilee.  I haven't gotten to see her yet because the hospital won't allow kids.

On April 30th, we will be moving to Lacey.  Of course, I'll still go to the same school.  We will be going to the Olympia church from now on, I think.

P.S. I had to end there because I forgot to finish and it was from too long ago to even remember what had been going on.

April 4, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Well, I can't exactly say that nothing has been going on here, but nothing that made me have to write.  My spring break was pretty boring.  I baby-sat and did some stuff with Mignonne.  Curt called, but I never got to talk to him because I wasn't home.  Oh well.  It's the thought that counts, right?

Right now, Colie is on my bed, cleaning herself. That's gross if you think about it, how cats clean themselves with their tongues.  Yuck.

On Wednesday, we had teacher conferences. Oh my word. I don't want to get into it, but my mom said some stuff to Mr. M about I am going to die of embarrassment.  (It was about Curt.)  For some odd reason, Mr. M told Curt something and I was mad him the whole day. Oh well.  It's over and it's not as dramatic as it seemed.

Love,

March 20, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Today Liz was absent. I knew that she would be. We had an Algebra retake test and a Biology test. That isn't fair at all!  Now she get a whole extra week to study.  (Next week is spring break.)  I wish I would have faked sick so that I could get a week to study. DAMN that makes me mad.  Oh well.

Yesterday Curt sat with me on the steps and helped me study for this test.  It didn't help much, but I thought it was really sweet of him anyways.  He is making me so mad.  He still hasn't asked me to the banquet.  I don't want to ask him.  That makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it. I miss him already.  Isn't that discusting?

Today Tara was singing this nasty song she sort of made up -- "All I wanna do is butt f*** you."  She was singing that to me!  So I said, "Really?  Do you really want to do that, Tara?"

She said, "I couldn't do that to you."  Then poor Curt was walking down the hall and she said, "But Curt could!"

I told her that was nasty.  Curt, unfortunately, heard his name so he's like, "What, what?"  He kept bugging me about it but I wouldn't tell him what she said so he was irrated.  He kept saying "You are going to tell me."

He walked me and my sister halfway to our car.  They hate each other.  He said he's going to call me next week.  I hope he does, even though I'm out of town.  I wonder if he's kept every letter that I've written him or if he just throws them away. He's written me two.  I told you about one of them.  The other one just said, "Hi Mindi. -Curt"  It was exciting, but I kept it anyway.  All the letters that I've written him have been pretty long.  I think I'll write to him during the trip.

Tara says that Evan has two people in mind to ask to the banquet.  she said she thinks one is me.  I hope Curt hurries up.  I think Evan might ask Tara. I kind of wish that he would.

I love you, the earth, my mom, my cats, Curt, and I can't think of much else.

Good night.  C ya later.

Love,

March 18, 1992 (age 14)

Hello Carnation, Today was quite an uneventful day. One thing that I do know for sure is that I will never ever talk to Liz about Curt again! She is getting very sick of it, I can tell.  She says that she wants us to get together and stuff, yet she says she's jealous because if we do, we will have all our own secrets and I'll always be with him blah, blah, I'll ignore her and won't want her around.

I always said it wasn't true, that I'd never do that to her. The terrible thing is that it is already starting to happen.  Not all of it, but I just don't feel comfortable letting her read notes we write.  (He's still only written one.) I'm sure it hurts her feelings, but I just don't know what to do.

I guess I should describe the events of the day. Well, Liz and I didn't get our Water document done so we had to stay in there until we finished.  What I mean is we were in there from 12:00 'til 1:00 doing one document.

Curt and Lacey were helping us, luckily.  I don't think we would ever have finished if not for them.  I feel so stupid in that class.  Probably because I am when it comes to computers.

Curt had bad breath today. Just thought I'd tell ya! He breathed on me when we was helping with the computer and I was kind of glad. Just kidding!  But not about the fact that it was rank.

In english we are reading the Odyssey. It is quite interesting.  We get to learn about the cyclops, the gods and goddesses and - best of all - the Trojan War!  HA HA.  I love it.  Couldn't you just die?!  My favorite god so far is Zeus.  He is the god of all the other gods and goddesses and I think that he's pretty cool.

Today I took an Algebra test.  I don't know how I did.  I hope not too bad.  I hate the junk we've been doing.  Friday I have a really big Biology test.  I am not looking forward to it at all!

Love,

March 17, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Today was a good day.  It was also St. Patrick's day. I wore some groovy green corduroy pants that belong to my mom.

The worst part of today was computer class.  Me and Liz were supposed to put a Bible outline of Word Perfect. We ended up having to type it 3 times because we kept accidentally erasing it.

So far Liz and I have a file name snobby, pansy.RPT, Joke.Doc, Water.Doc, and Bible.TST.  That's the only cool part of our class -- having our own files.  We had to skip our lunch and our study hall to get Bible.TST typed up.  I was very mad.

The computers are all in the classroom where the 7th and 8th graders were having English. So we were in there during their incredibly boring class.  Tommorow we have to skip, most likely, lunch and study hall again to type up Water.Doc.  Just so happens, we erased that file too.

Today Curt wrote me a note. It went like this:  "Dear Mindi, How's life? Nice of you to join our class today. Are you going to the banquet? Well I should start doing my english.  See ya next year or so.  Love Curt."

Isn't that nice?  I wrote him back.  My letter was about 3 times bigger.  I guess he doesn't like to write forever like me.  I think that I'll save his letter forever.  This is the very 1st note that he's ever written me.  I've written him 4.  Tonight I just wrote another, but he hasn't gotten it yet.

I hope he does ask me to the banquet.  I like him alot!  I really do!  The problem I have is that I can't talk to anyone about it. Liz is sick of it and so is my sister.  I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else and for some reason my mom hates him.  Every time I bring up his name, she changes the subject.  I don't know why.  And there is only so much I can discuss with Bill. I am the type of person who has to talk about my feelings or I else I end up having to write about it like I am now.  (No offense.)

Allison told me on that Sunday morning when we were both at Liz's that some other girl from their church thinks I'm a snob.  That's fine with me.  I think she's an airhead bitch, so I guess we're even.

I have a hole in the bottom of my foot.  I am dead serious! I've had it for about 6 months at least and I wish it would go away.

I have to go to bed, but first I gotta fill up this page.  I'll talk about my mom hating Curt.  I really don't know why she does. She is so weird.  She calls him "that little punk" and "that little twerp." Gotta go!

Love,

March 16, 1992 (age 14)

To: Carnation Hello.  Today was Monday. I spent Friday through Monday at Liz and Lacey's house. It was pretty fun. I got meet their friend Allison.  She is very pretty and outgoing and fun. However, she is really mean when she doesn't like someone.  I mean, really wicked. But, in all, I think she's a sweet person.

I also got to see Sam. Wow! What a treat! (Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?)  Sam really isn't too bad, but it is so repulsive to me that him and Tara are going out. It's discusting!  Yuck, yuck, icky, icky.

This weekend, we rented Toy Soldiers. I'd already read part of the book so I knew alot about what was going to happen.

I could tell I was getting on Liz's nerves the way I kept talking about Curt. Then, today, she went up to him and told him she hated him. He said, "I love you, too."

She then said, (I cringe at the very thought!) "The reason I hate you is because all Mindi wanted to talk about this weekend was you!"

He said, "The whole weekend?"

She told him yes and he said, (not sarcastically), "This is great.  This it great."

I am so embarrassed that she would ever say that. I broke two pencils in half. Well, one I broke, the other I chewed in half. I just don't know what to do with Liz. It really embarrassed me.  I guess I should get used to it.  I think just about everyone I ever speak to must tell him what I say.  If we ever do get together, we will only have the whole school to think because otherwise I would never know he liked me and vice versa.

I gotta sleep now.

Love your little friend Mindi.  Here's my autograph.  You are privelaged.

March 12, 1992 (age 14)

Dear Carnation, Today was kindof a boring day. Curt didn't ask me out.  He is slow or chicken or disinterested.

Man, I hate computer class.  It's so confusing and if I do something wrong, the teacher comes over and taps my head. It hurts. I'm thinking of knocking him out the next time he tries that little trick.  He is such a jerk.

Biology wasn't as much fun as it was yesterday. Samantha wasn't at school, so Liz helped me.  She is kind of queasy about touching the frog, and I don't blame her.  That's how I was last year. I cut some organs out of Harry's body that I wasn't supposed to and I think Mr. M was kindof annoyed.

Liz told me that she told Curt that I think he has cute legs.  I was very embarrassed, but I guess I don't mind that much.  Liz tells me everything they talk about.  (She says it's usually me.)  Today she said that she told him I was giving up Christian Slater for him.  It's true.  I'm not sure if I want her to tell him that kind of stuff.  Maybe I do.  I don't know.  I'm too confusing of a person and I don't know what I want.  Well, I do.

I better stop arguing with myself now.  So, moving on.  When she told him that, he said, "I feel special."

Our "desk conversation" goes like this:

Him: Hello Mindi -Curt Me: Hello.  I didn't know you sat here Him: II dodo Me: Everyday? Him: Yes Me: It's boring here isn't it? I think it is. Him: Sometimes Me: I'm sorry Him: Your forgiven, I think. Me: That's good. HA! You were supposed to say, "It's not your fault, Mindi."

That's all.  Also I wrote:  Why is that all smeared? Have you been putting spit on my desk?

That's it.  Our whole conversation. At least until tomorrow! It was so exciting I'm sure you are jumping out of your seat.  Aren't  you?

Also, Curt told Liz that he wants to ask me out but he doesn't know how.  Oh brother.  I hope Liz is telling the truth and not exaggerating or anything. I just like him so much. I'll believe anything that anyone tells me about him. I'm just gullible, I guess.

I love him, but it's kind of a BIG crush, so I guess I can call it love. Whatever. Who cares?  I really wish he would ask me to the banquet.  Why? Do you think I am just wanting a boyfriend, any boyfriend? I hope I'm not being like that. (The only reason it occured to me is because Gary told me that's how he thinks I am. What a nerd!)

I love you. And Curt, now that I've established that.

Love,