Dearest Carnation, Today there was a going away party for Mr. M at Tara's house.  There was alot of people there.  It was pretty fun.

I tried to avoid Curt at first.  I just couldn't face him.  It was so hard for me to see him there.  I just wanted to gather him into my arms and never let him go.  I just can't believe that he's actually leaving me.  I keep hoping that there's some way to make him stay with me.  Maybe I should tie him up and keep him hidden in my garage so his parents can't find him.  (Geez, that was sure a demented thing to write!)

I tried not to get depressed but I did and I got kind of sobby.  Well, my eyes watered and I had about 2 tears leave my eyes.  I think he's mad at me. Maybe I'm just being a selfish ho, not wanting him to go away.  It just doesn't seem fair.  I mean, I've liked other people, but never like this.

At the party, Mr. M kept trying to get Curt to kiss me.  He didn't.  Not that I wanted him to.  That would have made it even worse.  I know that I can't trust myself alone with him.  I don't even want to imagine what I'd do.  I did give him a hug goodbye, only because he asked me to.  Then I didn't want to let go of him.

Carnation, please tell me why I have to love him so much and what I can do to stop it!  I don't want to love him if I'm just going to hurt this much in the process.  What am I going to do next year?   I don't think I'll ever find anyone else.  I'm sure he'll have no problem with that, though.

He says that he's going to write to me this summer.  I hope so.  This is just so unfair!  I have to go before I have an emotional outpouring or something.