I might take this all back soon, but right now, I think I'm climbing out of revision hades. I still have lots of polishing to do, but the second of the New Climax scenes is in a good place. I just reread it and got tears in my eyes. Seth gets it. I've known him for, oh, three years. And this is the first time he's ever truly gotten it.
I couldn't be more proud of us right now. I'd like to thank Tom Petty (for playing on repeat all day) and (for being a sweetheart) for making this possible.
It will still be a while before I'll need to put together my acknowledgments and dedication, but I've been thinking it over, making lists and such. I pretty much know what I want to do with the acknowledgments page, but the dedication is the part that I can't decide on. When I completed my first ever manuscript, I was going to dedicate it "In memory of" my dad. Because he died when I was four and that book was inspired by that. I could do that with FREEFALL, but I kind of ... don't want to. I'd rather keep it for the other book just in case I one day get it published. It fits better that way anyway. I didn't write FREEFALL for my dad; it was the other one.
I could dedicate this book to my mom. It's never a bad idea to dedicate a book to the person who raised you. And it would certainly mean a lot to her since she's still alive and will be able to see if for herself, you know? She always thought I should be an English teacher or a writer, so, you know, there you go. I think it's probably a big deal to have your kid get their book published and dedicate it to you, right?
Then there's my husband. This book never would have happened if not for his support. He would rather we were poor and that I was doing something that I love than have me all depressed and hating life working full time like I used to. He's given up a lot so that I can work part-time and write part-time. When my book sold, it was as exciting for him as it was for me. In a way, I think it was affirming. He kept believing it would happen, even when I didn't. And he was right.
And finally, there is my therapist. Now, I haven't even seen him for years. But there was a time in my life when I was going through some Stuff. And I was working through Old Stuff, too. For nine months, I had weekly 70-minute sessions with him. In our second session (I think it was), he asked me something like, what would my ideal life be ten years from now. I kind of rolled my eyes and laughed. "Well, obviously, I'd be a best-selling author, right?"
He was all serious. "Is that something you really would want?"
I got embarrassed and said, "Yeah."
And he was, like, "Okay. Did you notice how you answered my first question? I asked what you wanted in life and you laughed when you answered. That was a defense mechanism. You were gauging my reaction. If I laughed, too, you could pretend like you'd only meant it as a joke. But I think if you want to be a best-selling author you should go for it."
After that, part of my weekly "homework" often involved writing assignments. He said he was really impressed by some essays and stories I wrote for him. Most of his clients would scribble something on a half sheet of paper, but I'd turn in like these typed up 15-page things.
Anyway. My insurance coverage changed, we used up all our sessions, and I've seen him only once since then. We did exchange emails a couple of times over a year ago when I asked him for advice about how to handle Rosetta's phobia. He knows I'm writing and trying to get published. He doesn't know I've sold a book. I want to surprise him. I want him to have that tangible evidence in his hand to see what a difference he made in my life. To see that even though I'm not actually a best-selling author (and maybe I never will be), I wrote a book that got published by a major publisher, in part, because he encouraged me to go for it.
So, yeah. That's where I'm torn. Mom. Husband. Therapist. Obviously, all of them will be in the acknowledgments. But who I'll give that special dedication to in my first book, I'm just not sure.
I'm still working on my revisions. Half the time I feel like I'll never figure it out. The other half, I'm just sure that I'm on the right track. I have bunches of old emails from writer friends who are further along in this publishing process than I am. One said s/he didn't even know why her/his editor acquired the book; Editor wanted so many changes and s/he knew s/he could never pull them off to Editor's liking. One said that s/he was in a car in a snowstorm and thought maybe it wouldn't be bad to crash because then s/he wouldn't have to finish revisions. Others have just been overall stressed and worried and feeling like revising is taking over their lives.
I think all of these included a certain amount of exaggeration, but obviously there was truth in them because they were what the writers were feeling at the time. They didn't think they could do what was required of them.
And, guess what? They did do it. It all worked out in the finish!
I keep reminding myself that since others have felt the way I'm feeling and they eventually succeeded, it is likely I'll be able to do the same. I'll get to look back on these past few week and laugh at all my angst. That will sure be nice.
Super-f-locked.
So, in trying to be accommodating, I think I've made it harder on myself.
I sent my editor an email that wasn't too terribly specific about what I'm doing with the climax. I didn't want to just say, "I'm thinking Seth needs to push Kendall on the ground" because I'd like her to read the scene without having formed preconceived notions. Because, to me, it really sounds awful.
I asked what she'd like me to do: describe it in all more detail to her, send the scene as-is so she can get a feel for what I'm doing, or keep polishing.
And she said this: All of what you’re writing here makes a lot of sense to me. As for those revised climactic scenes, the logic of what you’re describing sounds good, it really does come down to what actually happens in the scenes themselves. I still do want to make sure that there’s a concrete active trigger in either/both the scene with Kendall and with Mom that clearly leads to his shift and ability to make some peace with Isaac’s death and feel like he’s allowed to move forward with his life—not just back and forth dialogue but something that occurs, something he almost does and stops himself, etc. – just something concrete. But I do think that it will be easier for me to tell you whether I feel like that’s there once the scenes are more fully polished and reading them in context of the rest of the ending, so my gut instinct here is for you to keep working on them a little longer and then send me the manuscript fully revised. Then at that point after I read it over, if I still feel like those climax scenes need work, we can focus just on those and go back and forth on them specifically.
That is exactly what I didn't want her to say. At least I can now feel free to move forward with my plan. At least I know my agent and one of my crit partners feel like it's working...
