I can't believe it's already November! I feel like this school year is slipping away from me. I'm getting really scared. I don't want it to end. I wish I could just keep everything on standby. I have two reasons for wanting this year to last forever. 1) I have to go to (gag) Auburn next year and 2) I'll never see Dylan again.
This may sound a tad extreme, but think about it--I'll be moving in June to another town that's nearly an hour away. I'll be attending AAA while he'll still be here. My days will be long and I won't have time to drive to Olympia to visit him. And even I did have time, his mother would never allow it. Then, the following year when I'll be a senior, he'll still be in Olympia. By the time he gets to Auburn, I'll be in college! This is definately hell! Anyways, now you know.
Right now, I want him so bad. This terrible news, because I think that if we had the opportunity, I would be willing to go all the way with him. That scares me. Part of me is wishing so much that we get that chance, but an even bigger part of me tells me that I should try my hardest to make sure we don't.
This is why I feel that I can't even kiss him. One little kiss could be the end for me. What if I couldn't control myself and we end up making out or worse? I know it's possible. Michelle and her first boyfriend kissed for the first time and then almost went all the way!
The truth is, I want that to happen to us. I want us to do all those things and I want us to have sex. I really do. I love him so much and I lust over him alot. I think about this alot and what it would be like if we ever did do it. How can I want another person so much?
You probably think I'm the horniest person that you've ever heard of and I'm sorry if I'm giving you that impression. I just can't help it when it comes to Dylan. He's just so sweet. He just seems so innocent and inexperienced and it attracts me to him even more. I get these demented thoughts sometimes about us getting married and having a kid. I really frighten myself when I think about this.
I'm sure that Dylan does NOT go home and think these kinds of thoughts about me. Just thinking about him right now is making me melt. I just love him so much!
Well, I guess I should tell you about my weekend. I went to Portland, saw, did, had a blast. (I still hate that phrase.) Yeah. That was my weekend. I went to Mignonne's house and we went to this stupid thing at her school. I swear that place is just about too stuck up for me.
I still haven't solved my problem with wanting Dylan like I do, have I? Dammit! I wish I could. I need help. I really, really need help.
Love ya! Love him!