Giving it up.

I've chosen to give up a great many foods in my life.  A few examples:  at age 12, I gave up beef; age 16, all meat; age 18, caffeine; age 25, citrus. 

With all these things, I gave them up because of how they were making me feel. 

See, my mom stopped cooking meat at our house when I was seven years old.  During the summers or at other people's houses, I ate meat like crazy for a few years.  I loved me some hamburgers.  Oh, hamburgers!  But then I started eating them so rarely that my stomach became upset  on the rare occasions that I did.  I decided that I needed to step up on my cow consumption or give it up completely.  Perhaps it was laziness, but I chose the latter.

The same situation is true of chicken and turkey.  By eleventh grade, I was eating turkey on Thanksgiving only and chicken just occasionally at McDonald's.  And my stomach was unhappy on all of those occasions.  I went ahead and gave up fish, too, just because with the exception of tuna, I never really cared for it anyway.

The caffeine and soda, I gave up my first quarter in college.   I was taking a class called "Total Wellness."  I was also suffering from insomnia, and had been all through high school.  I discovered that when I gave up Coke and mochas for a class experiment, sleep came much easier for me.  Who knew, right?

The citrus I gave up because I was having allergic reactions.  After about two years of abstaining, I was able to very, very gradually add citrus back into my diet.  Now, citrus and I are great friends, once again.  Hooray!

Yesterday, I made an important decision:  today, I will give up Taco Time's crisp bean burritos.  Forever.

    

Beef is depicted in the above picture, but the bean version looks similar.  It's beans, cheese, and spices, wrapped in a tortilla and deep fried.  I order one of these about once every month or two or three--whenever I have a craving, really.  I get a side of ranch sour cream and dip the burrito into the dressing for every bite.  And then... for hours afterward, I feel like vomiting.

THIS NONSENSE HAS TO STOP.

So, yeah.  I'm giving up the crisp bean burritos.  I am committed to taking not even a single bite if my husband orders one -- for at least a year -- because I don't want to fall back into that misery. 

My taste buds will be sad, but my stomach will thank me.  I have to go with the stomach on this because, you know, not doing so has worse side effects.

AUTHOR INTERVIEW: Josh Berk

Josh Berk is the author of THE DARK DAYS OF HAMBURGER HALPIN a teen novel to be released by Alfred A. Knopf Books for Young Readers on February 9, 2010.

Being a hefty, deaf newcomer almost makes Will Halpin the least popular guy at Coaler High. But when he befriends the only guy less popular than him, the dork-namic duo has the smarts and guts to figure out who knocked off the star quarterback. Will can’t hear what’s going on, but he’s a great observer. So, who did it? And why does that guy talk to his fingers? And will the beautiful girl ever notice him? (Okay, so Will’s interested in more than just murder . . .)

Those who prefer their heroes to be not-so-usual and with a side of wiseguy will gobble up this witty, geeks-rule debut.

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THE MAGIC 8
Where authors answer eight of life’s most important (and magical) questions.
Uh huh.

 
1.      Mindi Scott:  At age eight, what did you want to be when you grew up?  And at age eighteen?  And while you’re at it, what about at age twenty-eight?

Josh Berk:  At age eight I wanted to be a professional baseball player. At age eighteen I'm pretty sure I wanted to be a hobo. By twenty-eight I'm fairly sure I wanted to be a writer, but I can't really recall. It's weird that I can best remember eight and least remember twenty-eight. It wasn't that long ago.

2.      MS:  Which Breakfast-Club-style label would have best fit your teenage self? 

(Clever Examples:  The Bad Ass, The Athlete, The Hottie, The Dork, The Genius, The Psycho, The Social Butterfly, The Band Geek, The Drama Queen/King, The I Wish I Were a Vampire, The Entirely Something Else.)

JB:  Since you mentioned "the hottie" I can't think of anything else that could possibly better describe me.

3.      MS:  What are some of your superstitions and/or phobias?

JB:  I'm afraid of human feet and also flying mammals (flammals). As far as writing-superstitions, I have a big superstition about jinxing things. Like even if you're 99.99999% sure something is going to work out OK you don't tell anyone about it for fear of jinxing it. Also known as the "kenahora" factor. (It's Yiddish and I'm pretty sure I spelled it wrong.) I'm the kind of person who is always saying "DON'T JINX IT!" Seriously, why would you want to jinx it?

4.      MS:  Without giving away too much from your book, which character or scene are you the most pleased about having created, and why?

JB:  There is a scene where the main character, a deaf fifteen year-old named Will Halpin, sneaks out of his bedroom in the middle of the night and rips down the "Deaf Child Area" sign in his neighborhood. I felt like it was a pretty cool scene as soon as I got it down, but I revised it and revised it and revised it with my editor until finally it felt just as intense and epic and heart-poundingly bad-ass as it could be. There's a little bit of humor in it too. I'm pretty pleased. 

5.      MS:  Was there any certain music that inspired you while you were writing this book, or is there a song that could serve as your protagonist’s theme song?

            JB:  4′33′′ by John Cage.

6.      MS:  What’s up next for you as a writer?

  JB:  I have a second YA book with Knopf that comes out next year. I'm revising that one and working on my third book. They're all a mix of comedy with mystery and all feature teen boy narrators who crack wise. I like cracking wise. I'm also hoping to try something totally different one of these days, maybe a book from a girl's point of view? I've always been told I am amazingly good at understanding how the female mind works. (Note: I have never been told this.)
 
 

7.      MS:  And, now, the most important question of all:  Beatles or Elvis?  Please support your answer.  ;-)

   JB:  I like early Elvis and late Elvis, but not middle Elvis. His music was so awesome when he was just a young guy with an acoustic guitar. And towards the end he was just fat and hilarious in sequined jump suits. Ironically, I like neither early nor late Beatles, but certainly middle Beatles. Revolver and Rubber Soul are great. But this question isn't a music nerd question is it? It's more about your soul, the content of your inner Self, right? In that regard: Elvis.
 

 8.      MS:  Okay, your turn.  Do you have a question you’d like me to ask my Magic 8-Ball on your behalf?  (I’m telling you, this thing is scarily accurate!  Well, except for when it’s lying.)

  JB:  Did anyone believe me when I claimed to be "the hottie" in high school?

 

(Interesting.  This is not the first time this answer has come up in this interview series.  Hmmm.)
 

MS:  Thank you so much, Josh!

JB:  Thanks for having me! Visit joshberkbooks.com for more information and twitter.com/joshberkbooks for too much information.

Teaser Tuesday.

Maybe I am writing this.  I haven't yet told my agent that I've abandoned my BEFORE 17 proposal (for now).  I can't seem to make myself work on that thing.  I have a block against it. My editor wants me to finish it, my agent wants me to write a proposal (minimally), but it wasn't my first-choice project.  I've only been doing it because they want me to.  And now I'm having a secret rebellion and writing something else. 

I am probably being very stupid.

The thing is, I haven't enjoyed writing for a long, long time.  I mean, my FREEFALL revisions were gratifying and I felt very accomplished when I was done with them.  It always comes back to Seth, doesn't it?  But writing new stuff?  There just hasn't been any joy for ages.  Not until Saturday when I started this.  So, I'll see where it goes.  The cynic in me gives it another week or two before I start over-thinking things and sabotaging myself again.  But the last time I felt this excited to write something was when I started FREEFALL.  And, well, that worked out pretty well for me in the end, didn't it?   I can't help feeling that I was meant to write this.

In the morning, I shower, get dressed, and take my time getting ready.  My usual routine.  I don’t join my family until I’m totally put together.  The parents joke that they haven’t seen me without makeup since I was thirteen. I’m pretty sure I was actually twelve, though.

After I finish blow-drying, I spot a mark—an actual hickey—on my neck.  It’s small, barely there, but seeing it makes me want to hurt someone.  I separate my blonde hair into sections and get it all sleek-looking with my huge curling iron.  Then I hold the scalding, metal barrel against my neck for about a half second so that the tiny hickey is covered up with an inch-long burn. 

I’m ready now.

Teaser... Saturday.

I'm not writing this.  I'm not.  I have two other WIPs that my agent thinks have great, good potential that I need to finish.

But I woke up this morning and there was this idea.  (Not entirely new; I was going to use it with Rosetta in FREEFALL, but I went a different direction with her.)  It's been distracting me all goddamn day.  So, I wrote one scene.  And I know where it would go from there.  I know all the characters and most of the backstory.  The only thing I'm not sure of is how it would end.  It's one of those situations where as a writer, I want to show the character overcoming, but the reality and fall out of such a situation would be so very messy that I don't know how I'd pull it off. 

Ah, well.  It doesn't matter right now because I need to accomplish other things before even thinking about pursuing it. 

I’m in bed, in the darkness, under the covers.  Rhys is beside me kissing my neck and earlobes, and rubbing his hands over my chest.  My heart is beating, beating, beating.  I’ve never let him go this far.  He lifts my shirt and lowers his face to my breasts.  I can barely breathe.  I want him to do more, and even though I don’t tell him so—I don’t say anything at all—somehow he figures it out. He slides his hand gently down my shorts, into my panties.  I shift my legs and hips to make it easier for him. 

I’ve been wishing I could do this with him for so long.  Now it’s happening.  It. Is. Heaven.  My whole body is on fire in the best possible way.  Especially there.  Right there, where he’s touching me now.  I want him so badly.  I want him to feel this good, too.  I tug at his boxers.  He sighs. 

In that very instant, the spell is broken. 

As I start awake, the magical, floaty, buzzy warmness is replaced with something cold, something wrong, something I do not want. 

I’m still in my bed.  This is all still happening.  But not with my boyfriend.  With him.     

I keep my eyes shut.  I don’t need to see to know; I can smell his cologne, hear his breathing.  My hands, my limbs, my body fall limp and heavy.  Maybe if I don’t move, he’ll think I’m still asleep.  

He keeps doing what he’s doing.  Soon, this will be over.  I hold my breath.

And then it is over.  A strong pulsing takes over my whole body.  I’m filled with elation for a split second as the release washes through me.  The feeling is quickly replaced by an overwhelming flood of shame, guilt, and self-loathing. 

He can feel that it happened.  I always try not to move or tense up, but he always knows anyway. 

Taking his hand away, he stands, kisses my forehead, and tucks my blankets around me before leaving my room and closing the door softly behind him.

I press my pillow over my face to stifle my sobs, and wish—not for the first time—that it were possible to suffocate myself.

Update.

It's been a few weeks, hasn't it?  A big reason for my LJ absence is because I've been having computer issues galore!  I had a virus thing going on, my browser was hijacked, etc.  After getting it back, some of my drivers don't seem to work anymore and my computer won't recognize my flash drive.  I finally found one usb port in the back that worked and I've been trying to catch up on my work ever since.  But last night, out of the blue, the computer stopped acknowledging the existence of the flash drive again.  Blah blah blah.  The only good news is that the flash drive itself is functioning perfectly on other computers, so I don't have to freak out about losing the work I saved on it.  I just... can't use it with this computer at the moment.

All this nonsense has been causing me The Anger and The Frustration.  Which is why I haven't wanted to update my LJ.

But things are coming along with Book Stuff.  FREEFALL has a cover that I should be able to reveal in the next few weeks, I'm thinking.  I had my author photos taken, and Pulse is putting together the fall catalog with my book in it.  Copy edits will be coming for me sometime in February, as well as the second half of my advance.  I have a website in the works, too.  So, lots of good things there.

As far as new stuff, I'm working on finishing and polishing a YA proposal.  My computer and FREEFALL have been thwarting me at every turn, but I'm making some progress lately.

And... now my computer is doing more ridiculous stuff.  So, I'm going to post this or risk losing it completely.  Later!