A sort-of request!

kazdreamer  

suggested I keep querying instead of being all defeated-ish, and she suggested a few agents I hadn't tried yet.  So, I'm going forward with that.

I sent one this morning before getting in the shower.  When I came out, I had two new messages from the agent.  (Karen:  it was JS!)    

The first:  I would love to see the first three chapters, if you could send them via attachment?  I look forward to reading!  All best

The second:  Oh, well look at that.  I was so excited I didn’t even see that they were attached!  <g>

Her submission guidelines actually say to send a query with three chapters attached.  (Which I did do, of course.)  So, getting a request for three chapters isn't anything extraordinary here.  But, still.  She used the word "excited."  And multiple exclamation points!  Seems like a positive sign.

Fiction inspired by real-life.

First off, thanks everyone, for your kind words on my last entry.  I really, really appreciate it!  [heart]

For the moment, I am working on something new that I'm calling either JAY, KAE & ELLE or SHOTGUN WEDDING.  (Or something else I haven't thought of yet!)  

The majority of the particulars are very different, but some of the emotional character stuff seems to be coming from a place I was in when I got married (and divorced) when I was twenty/twenty-one.  I've been making a very strong effort NOT to use characteristics or events from my life for this.  Not that I don't think it could make for a good story.  But I've just worked with a few writers who have started their novels based on real stuff, and then have gotten hung up on those things.  They have had a hard time seeing that actions and situations that occurred in real life don't fit the theme and story they're trying to create.  The humans they used for inspiration don't always make sense as characters, so readers have a hard time understanding their motivations.  

So, I keep spinning my story around.  Instead of having Jay be like this, I'll have him be like this.  Instead of Kae feeling like this, she'll feel like this.  

Then, yesterday, I realized something surprising:  some of this stuff would truly make better sense if it more resembled real life things.   For instance, the doted-upon kid who is super smart, motivated, and confident would not make the same choices that the lonely kid who is moderately smart, lazy, and insecure would make.   I'm trying to write the former and have him behave like the latter.  Which doesn't make as much sense for the story.  My ex-husband (as I saw/see him) makes for a better, more realistic character than the one I've been creating.  How weird is that?

I'm proceeding with caution...

It's about confidence?

I don't think I've ever said explicitly in this journal, but I'll admit it now:  I pretty much wrote THE FAKE MCCOY for Stephen Barbara.  

No, no.  It isn't as crazy as it sounds!  It's just that with my first manuscript, Stephen gave some helpful advice with his rejection.  Then, months after the rejection, he e-mailed me, asking if he could find out more my next project (which he'd learned the existence of here).  I threw together an outline for him.  He then asked for the full "when it [was] polished and ready."  I was upfront about the fact that I'd only just started, and said I would surely send it when I was done.

A year and four months later, it was finally ready so I sent it, he read it, rejected it, and said he'd like to see my next project. OUCH.

I wasn't bitter, but "Stephen" was kind of a dirty word around these parts for a few weeks after that.  But I moved on with the querying and got over it.  

The thing is, as I said all along while I was writing TFM, every time I felt overwhelmed or like I wanted to give up, I reminded myself that Stephen wanted to read it.  It wasn't so much about Stephen as it was the idea of him.  A real, live literary agent tracked me down because he wanted to read more of my work.  It was motivating.  (Not motivating enough for me to crank it out faster, but motivating enough to keep me coming back to it all the time and not giving up on it.)

Yesterday, with my car falling apart (blown head gasket, we think) and my house in less than great shape (needs new windows BADLY, as well as various other sundry), I talked to my husband about looking for a full-time job.  I've been doing this writing/part-time job for four years now, and there is no end in sight to our no-money having.  My husband's boss didn't get the promotion he wanted, which means my husband didn't get his promotion either.  And he has no interest in leaving his current employer.  Really, we're screwed.

Now, I know that working full-time doesn't have to mean an end to my writing.  There are many, many writers out there who work full-time, have kids, etc, and crank out tons of manuscripts.  But I'm not one of those writers.  I already tried writing while working full-time and was exhausted all the time.  That's why we came up with this arrangement four years ago.  But after four months of querying TFM, I'm not sure this is going to happen for this story.  It will be at least another year before I have something new polished and ready to query.   A year!  That really doesn't help my blown head gasket situation in the slightest.  This whole thing is feeling like a huge, pointless mistake.

My husband says it's about confidence.  That I don't have any right now.  And he said, "You know how before you said you were writing for Stephen?  Well, now you have even more agents who have sent rejections, but who have asked to see your next project!  Why can't you trust your writing and accept that the rejections are about the story itself instead of about your ability?  Why can't you push forward like you did last time, knowing there are people out there who want to read what you can write?"

Well, I don't know.  I guess I haven't been thinking of it like that.  But I am giving it one more shot.  I'm signed up for another of Liesa's classes which starts in September and ends late November.  Depending on my progress after that, I'll have to decide how I can proceed.  (In the meantime, no.  I still don't know what to do about the car.  Not at all.)

More of the usual.

Today has been frustrating.  

Oh, yes.

My husband had to do that tough-love thing he does every once in a while.  This time it went like this:  "You need to just write something instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself because you haven't been able to sell THE FAKE MCCOY."

Similar to the teenager I used to be who got so sick of being told to clean her room, I rolled my eyes.  And sulked.  

Notice that I did not just automatically start writing because he told me I need to.  That approach didn't work when my mom tried it with my room half my life ago, and it doesn't work for writing either.

But it did make me think.  About why I'm not writing.  About why I haven't been writing.  First, it was because I needed a break.  Then it was because I had characters but no story.  Then I needed a hook.  And on and on and on.  Gradually, it's been coming together.  I have characters and a story.  My outline is still incomplete, but I know exactly where I'm going with the main plot.  I have a hook.  I've done a fair amount of research.  

So, I should be set to go, right?  The problem--as I've finally identified it as of two hours ago--is that my character's emotional journey doesn't go to a dark or deep enough place.  

I never think of myself as someone who loves the dark, but I think... I kind of do.  I like to read about loss and acceptance.  I like to write about those same things.  I don't want to go the death route again.  Really!   But I want to write something that will affect someone.  Something that will move them.  And even more, I want to write something that will affect and move me. 

Humor and pathos.  That's what writing fiction is all about for me.  But this story idea I've been developing for MEOW doesn't go far enough.  I think what I need to do is find an element I can add that will make me care more about my character.  Something that will make me need to tell her story.   Not just because the so-called hook is fun and has potential and blah blah blah, but because the story and character actually matter to me.   

God.  Writing it out here makes it sound so OBVIOUS.  How did I manage to get all lost and screwed up with this anyway?

Television vs. Whatever I'm Supposed to be Writing.

My husband and I been watching ONE TREE HILL on DVD like crazy over the past few weeks.  One of my crit partners suggested I check it out because there is a half-brother storyline and I'm (in theory) writing a half-sister story.  

I picked up the first season for $20 with the intention of getting a feel for the story and then being done with it.  But... it didn't happen like that.   My husband got hooked from the first episode.  I was into it, but not too terribly much.  Then somewhere in the middle of season 2, I got hooked on it.  We are now in about 2/3 through season 3.  (And I am unspoiled for what is going to happen later in the series.  So, please don't tell me anything!)

I've been keeping an ongoing list in my mind of characters who have made me cry.  

In case you're curious:

Brooke - once in s1.  Once in s2.
Payton - once in s3.
Lucas - once in s3.
Whitey - once in s2.  (Really!  Even though I don't really like him...)
Nathan - once in s2.  (But it probably should count for more than once since the crying went on for about three hours.  Yes, I am a dork.)

So, the thing about this show is that I don't even think the writing is ALL THAT.  There are way too many times where my husband or I can predict a "twist" or speak the next line of dialogue before it is spoken by the character.  There are times when characters do things that are out of character just because the writers need them to do those things to move the plot forward.  But, you know, there have been a few great surprises, too, which have made us say, "Whoa.  I didn't see THAT coming!'  It's a mixed bag.

I get frustrated by the way they pile on the complications.  But at the same time, I'm intrigued with how they do it.  There are so many layers in what they put together that letting the characters work out one thing never automatically fixed a given situation.  Which is good.  And annoying.  I spend a fair amount of time yelling at my TV over the injustice of it all.

One thing in season 2 which bothered me was that the writers switched it up and made Nathan my hero instead of Lucas.  Afterward, I actually resented that I spent most of season 2 loving Nathan, and then when the writers were done with the big focus on his arc, they gave us Lucas again.  I mean, I love Lucas!  But I felt kind of jerked around by the whole thing.  (Also, without giving anything away here, the things going on with Nathan reminded me of what was going on with me and my ex-husband when I was twenty.  It was hard to watch what felt a lot like my former life being played out on the television.)

Anyway, all this is to say that I love watching television series on DVD because even though it is all so different from novels, I think it is helpful with my writing.  Watching the way they put together the character arcs and build the tension is fascinating to me.  Even when it's done poorly at times, it still helps me think through how it could have been done better.  And every once in awhile, I am even moved to tears.  What could be better than that?

Now I just have to hurry up and figure out how to get the fourth season without having to pay $40 plus for it.  If only I knew someone local who had it who could let me borrow theirs!