Well, today was a pretty okay day. Not exciting, not boring. Just kind of there. I'm not mad a Dylan anymore and I don't think he's evil. I have this thing now where I just want him. I want to kiss him and hold him and that kind of stuff. Sometimes I feel like I hate him, but right now, I feel like I love him. He makes me feel weird.

I really want to kiss him. We've never kissed and I think it's nessisary and it should happen soon. The problem is, it doesn't look like he's going to make the first move. That means it's up to me. But what if he doesn't want me to kiss him? What if I make a fool of myself?

Another complication is that we have like no opportunity to do this. During school, there is no way because when we do have breaks together, that means that the rest of our classes have breaks with us. No way am I going to kiss him in front of people!

Before school is  a stupid idea because the hall is full of student and also all of the teachers. That is the ultimate no-no.

That leaves after school. At that point in time, we're always working out butts off vacuuming to make our school a cleaner place to learn. Mind you, we work in different classrooms. When work is done, there is always two or three little kids in the hall and teachers wandering around.

We don't see each other on weekends unless we happen to go to the same church. That is very rare. In fact, it's happened once. Tomorrow, it's going to happen again, I think.

We don't go on dates because we have no transportation and both my mom and his parents would kill us if we even mentioned such a thing to them. Speaking of his parents, they are two grouchy old people. They are always bitching at him. If he calls me, he can't talk for more than 5 or 10 minutes. If he attempts to do this, his mommy and daddy darlings will start screaming and threatening him and all that kind of crap. I think they are both jerks.

Today, a girl from my old church told me that a friend of ours is not even close to be as innocent as we first thought he was. Appearantly, he drinks alot and sleeps around. He's 13 years old and he got a girl pregnant. I am in shock. I knew he had problems (he tried to kill himself last summer after his girlfriend broke up with him), but I didn't know things were that bad. And last Saturday, he kissed a girl even though he has a girlfriend with whom he has had sex with.

I feel kind of weird knowing all of this about him. I thought he was just a cute, sweet, strange, normal teenager. I wonder if he also does drugs. I would die if he did.

At the church I used to go to, the "in" thing is to NOT be a virgin. I don't want to do it just to do it. I only would if I really loved the guy. It's kind of weird. I'm worried about just kissing Dylan, but these kids don't have a problem sleeping around. I could never be like that.

It's kind of odd that the "Christian youth" are worse influences on me than lots of people I've met other places.

Oh gosh. Now I'm back to worrying about The Kiss. I just want it to be something special that I'll remember for a really long time. Most people probably don't even care about this. I don't know. Maybe they do. I wish I could just find the courage to kiss him, though.

Maybe tomorrow at church. NOT! Maybe on Monday. Maybe next month. That would be depressing if I had to wait a whole damn month for a kiss. I would die. I feel like I'm going to die right now as it is.

Well, I should go now. This is 8 pages and only 5 of them were about this kiss. The Kiss that Never Was.

Okay. I really would die if we never even kiss once. Auugggh!

I love you!

Love,