No NaNo.

NaNoWriMo is coming again. Like it does every year. Once again, I will not participate.

I can never put my finger on why I dislike it so much. I just know that I do. The idea of writing 50,000 words of crap makes me want to cry. I don't understand the point. (I mean, I get it on an intellectual level. I know the concept is that when you write quickly without allowing yourself to make corrections to your work, you force yourself to get past the blocks that would ordinarily prevent you from actually completing a novel-length work. And blah blah blah.)

Finally, FINALLY, I have figured out why Nano is so unappealing to me: I don't like to write. Specifically, I don't like to write first drafts. Truly.

(Forgive me if I had this same revelation in the past. It feels new to me right now, but that doesn't mean it is new.)

Back when I'd first started writing fiction regularly (four and a half years ago, right?), I had a notion that revising was a horrible, horrible chore and that first drafts were my passion.

NOT SO.

Having done this for anywhere between 20 and 50 hours a week, every week--outlining, first drafting, and extensive manuscript revisions--I now know that first drafts are stressful and hard and I hate them. Revising is enjoyable and rewarding. Even though it takes a lot of time and work, I get to watch my writing and my stories improve. It's exciting.

Now that I recognize this about myself--that I don't like to write first drafts, that first drafts are my nemesis, that I love a good revision more than just about anything--you might think I'd actually want to do NaNo. Like, hey! If I can stand to torture myself for only one month, I can spend several months afterward REVISING AND LOVING IT!

But... no. It isn't meant to be. I'm enrolled in a class that runs through the beginning of December where I have to turn in polished work each week. My Nano quality would never fly.

Also, I have a mini-panic attack when I think about doing it. I don't like mini-panic attacks.

Help with deciphering?

I wrote back to the agent who sent the most recent rejection to thank her for her time and lovely compliments and such. 

I also mentioned that I have come up with a few ideas for revisions for Seth's story (which I listed briefly), but I haven't yet gotten to the point of tackling them since I'm focused on writing a new novel right now.  I didn't say, "Would you be interested in this revision?" but, of course, it has to be obvious that I'm wondering or else I wouldn't have told her my potential plans.

She wrote back this morning saying Definitely keep me in the loop if you revise this one or plunge forward with a new novel.

So... what does that mean?  I'm sure she doesn't want periodic updates from me.  "Hi, [Agent]! I'm currently plunging forward with New Novel." 

"Hi, agent!  I put a few hours into revising Seth's story over the weekend.  I hope to be done on [whatever date]." 

I mean, come on!   She just wants me to let her know when I'm finished with one or the other so she can tell me if she wants to read.  Right?

Monday morning rejection.

Hi Mindi,

I hope you're good. I had a chance to look at The Fake McCoy and wanted to drop you a line. This is a really tough one for me--I think you're a really solid writer and have clearly put a lot of work into this book. And at the heart of it, you do have a really emotional story to tell. But somehow I had a really hard time getting into the story. Perhaps because so much of Seth's defining experience is off-camera, perhaps because he's still not a very likable character at the beginning and has a lot of growing to do. As I began the book, I almost expected that first party to be the one in which his friend dies. Also, in considering this book alongside titles such as STORY OF A GIRL or SPEAK, I'm not sure this hits the right emotional tone at the onset--and I worry that Rosetta "fixing him" is a bit contrived.

 

But what I kept coming back to is the polished writing, which makes me feel that you have a lot of potential and a definite career ahead of you. So, while I'm unfortunately going to pass on this particular novel, I really hope you'll keep me in loop on future projects. I'd love to have a chance to see other work of yours.

 

Thanks so much for tracking me down after my agency switch. Please stay in touch!

All best,
[Agent]

****
I was going to let this note stand on its own, but I can't resist this one explanation:  I don't feel like Rosetta "fixes him" at all.  I feel like Seth starts the path completely on his own.  Getting to know her helps him keep going.  But--and the same is true for the "fixing" of Rosetta--ultimately, he didn't change because of her.  He didn't do it for her.  On the last page, when he makes a decision to do one final thing for his arc he says:

I was going to [do it].  For her. 

And for me. 

And that's exactly the point for me.  The whole entire reason for the journey summed up in those three words right there.  He would do it for her, but she wasn't what it was all about.  She just gave him an additional reason.

Anyway.  The "contrived" part of the agent's comment might still stand regardless of how I see it.  But I couldn't just post this here in my journal and let it go without commenting.  I just couldn't!

Becoming real.

I've been working on my latest manuscript despite not having written a detailed character backstory for Sean.  This has been a Problem because Sean is tied with Jason as the second most important character in the story!  As a result, Sean scenes are tough for me.  He's been this shadowy figure whose motivations I do not understand.   I don't know what he wants.  I don't know what he's doing there.  I don't know how he feels about much of ANYTHING.  I finally decided enough was enough.  What's the point in barreling forward with more pages when I don't even know what I'm doing with one of the major players?

So, I've been at it for about seven hours today.  Just typing, typing, typing away (and reading and rereading what I've written, of course) about who he is and what has happened in his life to get him to the place he is when the story starts.  I still have a ways to go, but I'm getting there. 

It's weird.  Just now on my latest read-through, I got tears in my eyes.  Not because I'm writing anything sad.  Just because it's so satisfying to see him finally becoming real.  This is going to be SO HELPFUL.  Even though this story is first person through Kae's POV and readers will never know a good portion of the stuff I'm writing today, Sean being real to me is going to make him real to everyone else, too.

So close, so far.

Hi Mindi,

Thank you for your patience while I read your sample chapters. I enjoyed reading them, but I'm sorry to say that I will have to pass as I represent a manuscript that is too similar in theme. Had this not been a conflict, I would have most likely requested a full. Perhaps it will work out with another agent.

I wish you success in all of your publishing endeavors, and I thank you for querying me.

Best,

[Agent]

Tears of frustration over this one. 

Of course, a "would have most likely requested a full" is not the same is "I would have offered representation."   But we'll never know.  And now, of course, I know she's shopping something else that is "similar in theme" enough that mine would compete!