NaNoWriMo is coming again. Like it does every year. Once again, I will not participate.
I can never put my finger on why I dislike it so much. I just know that I do. The idea of writing 50,000 words of crap makes me want to cry. I don't understand the point. (I mean, I get it on an intellectual level. I know the concept is that when you write quickly without allowing yourself to make corrections to your work, you force yourself to get past the blocks that would ordinarily prevent you from actually completing a novel-length work. And blah blah blah.)
Finally, FINALLY, I have figured out why Nano is so unappealing to me: I don't like to write. Specifically, I don't like to write first drafts. Truly.
(Forgive me if I had this same revelation in the past. It feels new to me right now, but that doesn't mean it is new.)
Back when I'd first started writing fiction regularly (four and a half years ago, right?), I had a notion that revising was a horrible, horrible chore and that first drafts were my passion.
Having done this for anywhere between 20 and 50 hours a week, every week--outlining, first drafting, and extensive manuscript revisions--I now know that first drafts are stressful and hard and I hate them. Revising is enjoyable and rewarding. Even though it takes a lot of time and work, I get to watch my writing and my stories improve. It's exciting.
Now that I recognize this about myself--that I don't like to write first drafts, that first drafts are my nemesis, that I love a good revision more than just about anything--you might think I'd actually want to do NaNo. Like, hey! If I can stand to torture myself for only one month, I can spend several months afterward REVISING AND LOVING IT!
But... no. It isn't meant to be. I'm enrolled in a class that runs through the beginning of December where I have to turn in polished work each week. My Nano quality would never fly.
Also, I have a mini-panic attack when I think about doing it. I don't like mini-panic attacks.