Well, today was a pretty okay day. Not exciting, not boring. Just kind of there.

I’m not mad a Dylan anymore and I don’t think he’s evil. I have this thing now where I just want him. I want to kiss him and hold him and that kind of stuff. Sometimes I feel like I hate him, but right now, I feel like I love him. He makes me feel weird.

I really want to kiss him. We’ve never kissed and I think it’s nessisary and it should happen soon. The problem is, it doesn’t look like he’s going to make the first move. That means it’s up to me. But what if he doesn’t want me to kiss him? What if I make a fool of myself?

Another complication is that we have like no opportunity to do this. During school, there is no way because when we do have breaks together, that means that the rest of our classes have breaks with us. No way am I going to kiss him in front of people!

Before school is  a stupid idea because the hall is full of student and also all of the teachers. That is the ultimate no-no.

That leaves after school. At that point in time, we’re always working out butts off vacuuming to make our school a cleaner place to learn. Mind you, we work in different classrooms. When work is done, there is always two or three little kids in the hall and teachers wandering around.

We don’t see each other on weekends unless we happen to go to the same church. That is very rare. In fact, it’s happened once. Tomorrow, it’s going to happen again, I think.

We don’t go on dates because we have no transportation and both my mom and his parents would kill us if we even mentioned such a thing to them. Speaking of his parents, they are two grouchy old people. They are always bitching at him. If he calls me, he can’t talk for more than 5 or 10 minutes. If he attempts to do this, his mommy and daddy darlings will start screaming and threatening him and all that kind of crap. I think they are both jerks.

Today, a girl from my old church told me that a friend of ours is not even close to be as innocent as we first thought he was. Appearantly, he drinks alot and sleeps around. He’s 13 years old and he got a girl pregnant. I am in shock. I knew he had problems (he tried to kill himself last summer after his girlfriend broke up with him), but I didn’t know things were that bad. And last Saturday, he kissed a girl even though he has a girlfriend with whom he has had sex with.

I feel kind of weird knowing all of this about him. I thought he was just a cute, sweet, strange, normal teenager. I wonder if he also does drugs. I would die if he did.

At the church I used to go to, the “in” thing is to NOT be a virgin. I don’t want to do it just to do it. I only would if I really loved the guy. It’s kind of weird. I’m worried about just kissing Dylan, but these kids don’t have a problem sleeping around. I could never be like that.

It’s kind of odd that the “Christian youth” are worse influences on me than lots of people I’ve met other places.

Oh gosh. Now I’m back to worrying about The Kiss. I just want it to be something special that I’ll remember for a really long time. Most people probably don’t even care about this. I don’t know. Maybe they do. I wish I could just find the courage to kiss him, though.

Maybe tomorrow at church. NOT! Maybe on Monday. Maybe next month. That would be depressing if I had to wait a whole damn month for a kiss. I would die. I feel like I’m going to die right now as it is.

Well, I should go now. This is 8 pages and only 5 of them were about this kiss. The Kiss that Never Was.

Okay. I really would die if we never even kiss once. Auugggh!

I love you!

Love,

Well, Rainbow (that’s what your cover says, right?). I’m sure that you are surprised to hear from me again so incredibly soon. Wow. Back to back writing in here. Coolness.

The first thing I will say is that I won the election and am A.S.B. Vice-President. Now I have yet another responsibility to take on. I really need time to do my homework. In fact, I shouldn’t have a social life until I catch up. Whatever.

Today, Dylan was a total dick. I could about strangle him. He got mad at my sister because when he was vacuuming*, the cord came unplugged. He had an absolute cow and started yelling at her. So I got mad and told him he should keep quiet because he didn’t know what he was talking about. Somehow the word “jerk” slipped in there (I don’t know how that possibly could have happened!). He got totally pissed.

I left the room to talk to Rob when I came back, Mr. Jerk was banging the vacuum around and that kind of crap. So I said, “Oh, so I presume you’re mad at me.”

He turned the vacuum off in a huff and yelled, “Yes, I am!”

Then he turned it back on and started banging stuff again. I jumped on the vacuum and turned it off and he started totally yelling at me. I suggested that my sister leave the room, but she “couldn’t,” so we went into the library.

He said, “I can’t stand it. You’re always so sarcastic and you’re a jerk to me!”

That pissed me off and I said that I had to stick up for my sister and blah, blah, blah. Then we stood there and glared at each other for a few minutes and then he whined, “I’m sorry.”

WHAT A CREEP. Anyway. We made up and that’s all taken care of. I’m still pissed off, but I guess everything is fine for now. When he gets mad, he gets so violent.

I swear, in the halls and stuff, he looks like a total stoner. He never talks, never smiles. I guess that’s how he is in all his classes too. I wouldn’t know because I’ve never had a class with him. Tori said that the only time he’s ever happy is when he’s with me. That scares me. Maybe he’s evil.

I know. That’s a terrible thought to think about my boyfriend. He is kind of cute and ugly all mixed together. It’s hard to explain. I wish he would break up with me. I don’t want us to break up, but I don’t want us to go out anymore either. Maybe we should both just die. Then we won’t have to worry about it anymore.**

I think that I should go now. It’s almost 10 pm and I’m tired. I still have about 100 tons of homework to do. I could about puke.

Love ya,

 *FYI: “Dylan” and I worked as janitors at our school that particular year, mostly so that we could stay an hour or more late at school and spend time together.

**It sounds like I’m suicidal, but I think I was trying to be funny?

Today was basically a dull, boring, ordinary day for me. Nothing new and exciting. There are some things that would be quite beneficial for you to know since it’s been like 3 weeks since I’ve written in this thing.

1. Mignonne came up for here for my birthday. We has a blast. (I hate that phrase.)

2. Dylan asked me out again — on my birthday. I turned him down.

3. Curt is trying to get together with me again.

4. Me and Dylan are back together now – it was my idea.

5. Dylan has braces now.

6. We got a new kid in our school. I think he might be a homicidal maniac. I’m scared of him.

7. We have been playing football for P.E. I could about puke.

8. We are having ASB elections tomorrow. I am running against Curt for vice-president.

9. I am the assistant yearbook editor.

10. Curt told me how much he likes me and how incredibly hurt he is that I’m going out with Dylan again.

11. Tori was saying some pretty lude stuff about me and Dylan today. She claims it was “just to make him mad because he’s such an asshole.” Whatever. I don’t care anyway.

12. Renee broke up with her boyfriend last week.

13. I am starting to wish Dylan would break up with me.

14. Today, Troy told me he likes my voice and how I talk.

15. Right now, I am so tired that I’m about to collapse.

16. See ya later. Love ya!

17.

Okay now. Dylan is no longer a problem for me. We are friends now.

Now my problem is Curt. We were going together when I was a freshman and he was an 8th grader. He broke up with me over the summer. Now he’s a freshman and I’m a sophmore and we have every single class together. He is so obnoxious. You should see him in P.E. He is always yelling at me and telling me what to do. I cam getting so sick of it.

Anyways. I am very confused right now. I think I like Rob, but I also think I like Mikey, but I might still like Dylan. I don’t know what I should do. Oh, I might also like Jonathan. (How could I have forgotten?) I don’t want to like Jonathan, though, because Liz has it bad for him. So I don’t know who I like or what I should do.

Mikey doesn’t want a girlfriend, so I probably shouldn’t bother. Rob likes someone, but I don’t know who. I assume that it’s most likely not me. Jonathan probably wouldn’t go for me. And Dylan. I don’t know if I like him enough to want to get back together with him. Even if I did, I don’t know if he would be willing to go out with me again.

Why does all of this crap have to be so complicated? I know that Liz doesn’t want me to go out with Dylan again. She thinks he’s a horny guy who wants to use me for his own little toy. I don’t know about that.

Anyhow, I can’t think of anything else to write about. I guess I’ll sign off right here.

Love ya,

I am now a sophmore and I still go to school in Olympia. My purpose in writing on this day of darkness is to complain about Dylan. He asked me out on September 3rd. That was the first day of school. I accepted. At that time, I really liked him and thought he was a real sweetheart.

Then as the days progressed, it became quite apparent to me what he was after and I started to get worried. On September 15th, I broke up with him. I was very nice about it and gave him all legitamate reasons (I.E. bad timing, I had alot of stress right now, etc.) I thought he understood. He was really quiet and then said something like, I guess I know what you mean.”

I felt so awful when I left him I was crying. I thought that would be the end of it. I thought that a) we could be friends and maybe go out again someday or b) we’d remain friends and both go for someone else.

Apparently none of these things were meant to be. I have tried to be nice, to be his friend. He is not responding. He totally ignores me and walks through the hall like he’s a stoner or something. Everyone says that he hardly talks anymore.

The day I broke up with him, he went back to class and started crying during class.Tori asked him if he wanted her to beat me up (she claims that she was joking). He said, “No, I love her.”

So I called him one night and I started crying on the phone! I was so mad at myself. So the next day he came to me during my lunch and told me that the wanted to talk to me. So I went out in the hall. He said, “Why were you crying last night?” So I said, “I was being a wimp.”

So he said he’d been crying alot too. So I asked if he was a wimp too. Anyhow, I thought everything was okay and that we were going to be friends, but then on Monday he was a real jerk. He was ignoring me and I tried to be nice and talk to him and he was such an a-hole. I wanted to strangle him. So I started yelling at him and told him to go away because I was sick of him being so rude. So today I ignored him and was totally bitchy. I guess he got the hint because he just called me a few minutes ago.

I just realized for the first time that he is really weird. This is Dylan’s definition of talking on the phone: I talk and he listens. Occasionaly he throws in a couple of “ohs” or something, but that’s it.

He did say one thing that I’m confused about. He said that I make him feel like an idiot.

Well, I gotta go now.

Love,

Dear Carnation,

Well, right now I am in Idaho with my youth group. We got here last Sunday and we leave tomorrow. This trip has been pretty fun. We’ve gone boating, white-water rafting, and swimming in the river mainly. Today we went up to the hot springs. On Thursday we drove to Boise and went through Pacific Press and the park and stuff.

I have learned alot about these people:

A) is a jerk and has a terrible temper, B) brags alot and is kindof weird, C) is sooo strange, D) likes to play games with peoples minds E) is bitchy, F) sits around and pouts when she’s mad, G) is kindof bossy.

And I’m too tired to write anymore.

Love,

Dear Carnation,

Well, I just got back from campmeeting yesterday and alot happened. Me and Liz got in trouble every night except two. That’s pretty pathetic.

Before I get into the details, I will say that this whole book has pretty much been a waste because Curt broke up with me in a letter. Just thought I’d tell ya. It’s over. All those months of liking him were a waste. I can, however, honestly say that I’m glad he’s going to boarding school next year. This means I won’t have to see him for a year.

I found out the second night of campmeeting that Brandon liked me the whole year. He told me. The whole school year! Unbelievable. I know that he doesn’t now, but I didn’t find that out until the 25, which was a Thursday.

You see, I was starting to like him and he acted like he liked me too. He hugged me and put his arm around me and one night even came into the dorm room I was in and slept in bed with me until 5 in the morning, when he left. That was a crazy night. We layed there, my head on his chest and his arm around me. He was wearing only his boxers and I was wearing only a really big tank top (with underwear). He kept rubbing his hands on me and kissing my fingers while I was touching his hair. He kissed me good night (but not, like, a real kiss). Don’t you think that’s a good indicator that he might like me? I guess I took it wrong. Who knows?

Another night, Liz and I snuck out and slept in someone’s tent. (They weren’t there.) He came in and got into the cot with me. That night wasn’t as obscene. He just kept touching my knees and stuff like that. I kissed his cheek when he left. He’s been avoiding me ever since.

The new love of my life is Dylan. I call him “Dylan my love.” I’m not exactly sure what he thinks of me, but I just like to tease him alot. He probably thinks I’m really weird. He did pick a flower for me with his own hands and handed it to me ever so lovingly. Who knows if this will lead to anything? I hope so, but I won’t find out until school starts in September.

At campmeeting, I met a bunch of new people and got to know all the people I already knew alot better. Unfortunately, I also got to know more about Curt. People were saying that he had another girlfriend at the same time as he was going out with me. That makes me so mad. He did a good job of hiding it since there’s no way I could have found out about her. I wonder if he told her about me. Probably not.

There are so many campmeeting experiences that I wish I had written about at the time, but I didn’t. It would take me years to write it all now. I will say that I had a total blast (I still hate that phrase) and that I hope next year is as much fun.

Well, I love ya, Carnation.

Love,

P.S. Aren’t you glad it’s over between me and Jerk? I am.

Dear Carnation,

This is pretty depressing. There is only 20 pages left in this book! That means only 10 more entries at the most, if I only wrote 2 pages a day.

I’ve cooled down slightly since yesterday. I guess I said some pretty mean things. I’m sorry to fill you with such filthy language. That’s just how I am when I get mad.

You-Know-Who’s name is now “Jerk”, okay? Maybe I’m being a bit immature about this situation, but I believe that I’m entitled. I feel very hurt right now. That Jerk still hasn’t written me back and I’m sure he received the letter on Monday. Maybe even Saturday. I’m starting to get mad.

Calm down.

Okay. I’m fine.

I think my biggest mistake is that I started to care too much and I TOLD him how much I cared. I have confided in him about quite a few things. I can’t think of anything really specific right now, but I know there were some things. I guess I never completely trusted him or I’d have told him more.

Sorry, but I’m sick of complaining about Jerk.

Campmeeting starts tomorrow!

Love ya!

Dear Carnation,

Before I say anything else, I need to say this: I truly believe that I hate Curt. He is a whole gob of cuss words, which I choose not to write at this moment in time. The last time I wrote in here I was madly in love but I am now madly in hate. I feel so much anger right now that my handwriting is sloppy. WHAT A JERK!

I guess I should explain this emotional outpouring to you. On Saturday, June 13, 1992, my mother took me to the Olympia Church so that I could see Curt. Now I wish she wouldn’t have been so kind. He was such an a-hole to me. I sat with him during church and stuff and he didn’t talk to me and was completely bored (and boring, I might add). Then, when church was over, he said, “It is entirely too hot in here. I’m going outside.”

Then he walked away. So I decided that there was no way in hell that I was going to follow that blankety-blank around, so I walked right past him. I started talking to Mikey (and we had a very nice conversation!) and Curt was talking to [Mikey's sister]. So when Mikey and I were done talking, I decided it would be polite to go over and say good-bye to The Jerk. When I walked over, he instantly stopped talking and just kindof glared at me. So [Mikey's sister] finally left and Curt wouldn’t say one damn word to me.

I don’t know what I did to him, but I am getting so sick of his b.s. I can’t believe that he can be so mean to me.

After Saturday, I really sat down and thought about him and for the first time, I couldn’t think of anything good about him. I have made myself look like a fool so many times for him. I was late to almost every class because I was with him. Whenever I had a break, I would look for him so that we could talk. I would ditch my friends for him. I would write him letters and tell him exactly how I felt about him.

Of course, to all those things, there is also bad stuff. I did get mad at him alot because he wasn’t willing to do those things for me.

Another thing. I was ALWAYS honest with him. Too honest, sometimes, but at least I WAS HONEST. He, on the other hand, was not. He never told me how he felt. Some people say “he’s just shy,” but I don’t believe it.

Also, he told [Mikey's sister] that I “treat him like shit.” Where the hell did he come up with that one? I was so damn unselfish it is pathetic. Embarrassing, even. Anyway, when I asked him about it, he said, “I would never say anything like that because I don’t think that at all.”

Of course, I forgave him and was gullible enough to believe him. Where are my brains? What an idiot I am. And I cried so much over him! How could I have been so blind, so stupid? How could I have done this to myself?

When everyone thinks back to the last month of school, they’ll think of me as Curt’s slave. Or Curt’s pet. Geez. I can’t believe Liz still talks to me after what a fool I’ve been. I am definitely going to have to appologize to her at camp meeting.

Oh! I guess I forgot to tell ya. On the 19th of this month, I am going to Auburn camp meeting. Me and Liz are going to share a dorm room up there. We are staying from the 19th to the 27th or 28th. I can’t wait! I’ve never been before. Hopefully it will be fun. I already have three bags of groceries packed and most of my clothes too. Me and Liz are (hopefully) going to have a blast. (By the way, I still hate that phrase.)

Mikey’s going to be there. So is Brandon. I think Liz said he’s even going to be staying in the same building as us. It will be fun to see all our friends. I hope I’m allowed to wear tank tops since that’s all I have mainly. I guess there’s really nothing they can do to stop me!

Unfortunately, I need to end this unpleasantly and mention Curt again. I wrote him a letter and mailed it Friday–the day before he was such a jerk. It says nice stuff. He never wrote back or called me. What an ass!

Bye! Love ya!

Dearest Carnation,

Today there was a going away party for Mr. M at Tara’s house.  There was alot of people there.  It was pretty fun.

I tried to avoid Curt at first.  I just couldn’t face him.  It was so hard for me to see him there.  I just wanted to gather him into my arms and never let him go.  I just can’t believe that he’s actually leaving me.  I keep hoping that there’s some way to make him stay with me.  Maybe I should tie him up and keep him hidden in my garage so his parents can’t find him.  (Geez, that was sure a demented thing to write!)

I tried not to get depressed but I did and I got kind of sobby.  Well, my eyes watered and I had about 2 tears leave my eyes.  I think he’s mad at me. Maybe I’m just being a selfish ho, not wanting him to go away.  It just doesn’t seem fair.  I mean, I’ve liked other people, but never like this.

At the party, Mr. M kept trying to get Curt to kiss me.  He didn’t.  Not that I wanted him to.  That would have made it even worse.  I know that I can’t trust myself alone with him.  I don’t even want to imagine what I’d do.  I did give him a hug goodbye, only because he asked me to.  Then I didn’t want to let go of him.

Carnation, please tell me why I have to love him so much and what I can do to stop it!  I don’t want to love him if I’m just going to hurt this much in the process.  What am I going to do next year?   I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone else.  I’m sure he’ll have no problem with that, though.

He says that he’s going to write to me this summer.  I hope so.  This is just so unfair!  I have to go before I have an emotional outpouring or something.

Love,