There it is.

I've been super depressed lately.  I mean, like, woah. 

I can blame it on any number of things.  And, actually, I have been.  Just making lists in my mind and analyzing all the factors involved.  And telling everyone: OHMYGOD. IAMSODEPRESSED.  Because I felt like if I talked about it, it wouldn't get out of hand or whatever. 

One of the worst parts of this episode has been my writing, of course.  I've accomplished nothing*.   That has made me feel horrible. 

An hour ago, I was in the middle of trying to decide whether to take another shower, cry, or head downstairs to watch TV**.  Instead, I forced myself to think about Kae's story and see if I can figure out why, why, why I can't do anything with it. 

I finally figured it out.  The last time I wrote Kae, she was at a low point.  Not the lowest of the low (I'm not that far into the story), but very low nonetheless.  In fact, her mood in that scene kind of matches mine right now.  The scene wasn't right.  I wrote it three times, but I couldn't get the Kae/Sean dynamic to work.  So, my goal upon coming back from vacation was to skip that part and move forward to another scene--any other scene--in order to just get more pages written.  Big mistake.  Because the place I left Kae and Sean is so very important to all their interactions to come.  Not only that, but it's important to EVERYTHING to come.  So, I couldn't make the new scenes work either. 

Now I know.  New scenes are not in the cards for me until I get this one right.  Tomorrow I will go back to that cursed scene where I left off.  I will write it for the fourth time.  I do believe that if I can get it right, I'll be able to move on to new scenes.  And maybe, just maybe, being able to write and accomplish something tangible will pull me right out of this funk.

Here's hoping.

*Actually, I wrote a new opening scene for Seth's story.  It sucks and will not be used.  And I spent days planning a complete rewrite of my first manuscript where I will use characters and certain plot lines from before without ever going back and reading the original draft.  And I tried and failed to write three different Kae scenes which take place later in the story.  But, see?  It's like accomplishing nothing. 

**The latter of these is really weird because I don't watch TV by myself.  My husband and I have a few shows we watch together.  (Currently HEROES, ONE TREE HILL, and GRAY'S ANATOMY. (I know.))  But if I'm not watching one of those with him, I don't have the TV on.  Ever.